Every time I find a tennis shoe I like (brand, fit, color) 10 seconds after I walk out of the store, they change all the fucking models, so I can never find that shoe — ever again.

If I just buy the next version without trying it on, it blisters my feet or makes me feel like I’m going to tip over and snap an ankle.

When I was a kid, Converse were Converse. They fell apart in 3 weeks, and for $5, you would go get a shoe that was exactly the same as the crappy pair you just threw away. (And we liked it!).

Then they started signing all these sports stars to shoe contracts, and now the shoes change 10 times faster than the players. It’s not just tennis, it’s true in basketball, volleyball, golf and even (Gawd-forbid) bowling.

It’s like going on Tinder to find someone who is exactly like your Ex.

You end up swiping right on some half-ass imitation of what you used to have — and the new one hates you even worse.

Goddamnit, I think these shoe companies are colluding like Trump and the Russians to confuse the crap out of us.

They all get to share in the profits of my failures. For every pair that works, I end up with a pair I liked in the store but hate on the court. Then I’m stuck with a new pair of shoes that suck so hard they could pull the chrome off a trailer hitch.

I can’t even make myself type out the anger I feel paying $100 for shoes they forced 10-year-olds to make for $5.

If this shit keeps up, I might have to throw all these fucking shoes away and start playing beach volleyball in my bare feet like a god damn douchebag.