Turns out the woman who I have referred to as “The Bear” on the internet for the past three years is not an animal at all.

She’s my Sugar Mama… showering me with all of that sweet, sweet teacher money.

I found out the hard way.

While I was typing out bullshit stories and animal nicknames like we were a playing football in Chicago, she was quietly doubling her income. Retiring from 30 years of putting up with 6th grade assholes, to pass the certification test to “upgrade” and teach math to 7th and 8th grade assholes.

I thought she was doing all that just to keep from getting bored. But she knew someone had to support this family… my record is mixed.

After a dozen years of playing the bad guy at work — when the going got tough; it was time for my ass to get going.

Sugar Mama to the rescue.

“We can live on what I make,” she said. “We paid off the house, and we paid off the cars.”

Turns out the settlement from the lying nazi bullshit diesel meant we paid off the smart ass car in one year instead of five.

When the boy finished college, we just switched those payments to finish the mortgage. Put a little more in plastic grass and pavers.

The only real bills we had were in Tucson just to support my unhealthy habit (going to work).

Sold the condo. No more condo payment. No more $250 a month HOA fee. Got rid of $220 a month phone, internet and TV fee from Xfinity. (Fucking tennis channel means you have to buy the biggest package). No water. No TEP power bill.

Sold the condo at the top of the market and actually made a profit. Buying that condo was Sugar Mama’s idea too. I had planned to just live in a van down by the river.

Even got rid of the $90 a month from the third world racquet club. My liver already feels better.

Sounds great right?

Fuck… I forgot we are goddamn Americans. We can’t quit work. What the hell are we going to do for health insurance?

“I can afford that too,” Sugar Mama said. “I can get it from state retirement plan.”

Now I just have to erase every trace of “the Bear” I posted on this Bullshit, and hang on to my Sugar Mama for 2-3 years.. that’s my new magic date when I can claim retirement from the state too…