I’m so fucking Irish I don’t have to wear green or get drunk on St. Patrick’s Day.
It’s a Bullshit holiday — they don’t really celebrate it in Ireland. When they do, it’s just another excuse to guzzle Guinness.
Catholic-Irish-Americans started this shit because they needed something to compete with the Italians for Columbus Day and the half-french frogs for Mardi Gras.
But I don’t feel that need. I’ve been saddled with this Gaelic name and carrying the “map of Ireland” on my pasty, bloated, red face for 55 years.
Sure Kieran is “cool” now. As a fucking adult no one hits me in the face for having a fucking weird name.
But growing up in redneck Akron, Ohio, the rubber capital of the world, like the “Boy named Sue” there was a lot of face punching going on (and I usually was on the receiving end).
Now I’m a 240-pound, pigment-impaired, semi-monster of a man, so guess what Kieran means: “Little dark one.”
Not fucking kidding, google it. Goddamn Irish can’t get anything right.
Including their own fucking history. You’ve heard their bullshit stories of how St. Patrick brought “Christianity” to Ireland and banished all the snakes with his big stick?
Just like leprechauns and pots of gold — it’s all fucking fake news. Christianity already existed in Ireland before shit head St. Pat got there. And there were no snakes. That’s a fucking story to make people believe in magic, bend their knees to the Catholic Church and pay their last penny to save their imaginary souls.
Patrick’s family was one of those fucked up Christians that helped destroy the Roman civilization. You know they burned all the books and set science and health back a couple thousand years, right?
Anyway after the bonfires, in 400-something, Patrick was probably kidnapped in Ireland and held against his will. Likely the “natives” were looking for a payday or revenge against their future overlords.
He escapes, goes to seminary back in Britain or northern France for 15 years and returns as a fucking missionary.
He adds a Sun symbol (the star — not the child) to the cross to confuse the pagans about the “Sun of God” and starts selling his Catholic snake oil. Eventually he supplanted the local culture with the Roman-Catholic crap that is full of false sin, fake chastity and real alcoholism. (Not a good mix with one of the most inbred islands in the world with a history of depression and child abuse.)
So a Brit talks the Irish into Catholicism, and they fall for it for more than a millennium.
Then Henry VIII can’t make a son (a child — not a star), switches the Brits to protestantism, invades Ireland again (in 1541) and punishes the Catholics for following the wrong flavor of his new even-more bullshit religion.
The persecution and domination of the Catholics lasts another 500 years.
To flee the persecution, the Irish board boats for America, Australia and “anywhere but there”. Now the most “Irish” city in the world is Boston, Mass.
A nice little fuck you to the progeny of the Pilgrims. (You can start a new country, but the dirty, drunken Irish are going to take it over. Thanks for the pushing all the Native-Americans out of the way with your small pox and gunpowder, Pilgrims, we’ll take it from here.)
So yeah, let’s get drunk and celebrate St. Patrick for fuck’s sake — it’s the least we can do to remember the “happy” emerald isle.
I’ll drink with ya, but don’t expect me to wear green or any symbol of that bastard St. Patrick. I’m allergic to that Irish Catholic bullshit.
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Categories: Anti Theism
KieranHumor.com 
The serpents they drove out were the true Celtic druids that worshipped the sky the land and the sea… They rejected the catholic devils that stole their lands and their lives …. So go fuck yourself st patrick and the Catholic church and your christianity! We were doing fine until you came along
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Didn’t know the Catholics were using the snake metaphor for the druids… makes just as much sense as believing a talking snake caused every form of evil in the history of the world.
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I am Irish, too, and leave the green to the amateurs
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Amateurs are Irish wannabes
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I think you would appreciate the sentiment of this fine gentleman:
https://fb.watch/bO3WWZTspH/
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Could he be my long “lost” grandpa?
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Preach, ye little dark one!!!! 😁 Like Anonymous, I’ve also read that the “serpents” were actually the pagans and their ways. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – religious doctrine is the most destructive, manipulative force on humanity, and Christianity is the biggest hammer in the patriarchy’s tool belt. Fuck this bullshit! Thanks, Kieran.
Deb
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Banishing pagans makes a lot more sense in this story than “serpents.” Most religious conversions in history were done at the point of a knife or down the barrel of a gun.
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I’m half Irish and Scottish on Dad’s side. His dad was obese from drinking too much Budweiser. He died of a heart attack playing golf. I got a small graduation check in the mail two days after he croaked.
Thanks to that lineage I’ve never been drunk in my life never really got the beer tastes good thing especially Guinness. Luck of the Irish seems more often than not to be bad luck. Reminds me of that Hee Haw song: “If it weren’t for bad luck I’d have no luck at all / gloom, despair and agony, oh me.”
I stopped wearing green years ago when I realized my eyes are that color usually. Depends on how much bile or shit is in my system on a particular day. Pinch me at younownnrisk. Who else besides Christians would make this shit up?
Speaking of atheism theres a tv show that uses that word more than any other I’ve ever heard. It’s r
Raised by wolves by Ridley Scott on HBO. There’s a very lovely young Irish actress in it called Niamh (neeve) Algar. When she’s not being a badass, those Irish eyes are smiling.
I’d sure choke down a Guinness and pray to a false gawd for her should she ever want to date a fat poor old slow cyclist outside the industry. Irish blogger Idlecyclist says he’s sent her my email. Fingers crossed. Can’t figure out how to make them into a star of David.
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Happy sober st pat’s day.
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Thanks, same to ya. I’m not sober exactly, I’ll maybe have a margarita after my mile per year birthday ride, perhaps a beer there and here a little red wine.
Though that’s very rare, so yeah, I guess I’m basically a teetotaller. I just prefer my carbs come in chocolate, kettle chip, popcorn or other whole grain form. Boring, I know.
Sláinte is táinte!
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Just saw a meme where someone had Photoshopped Samuel L. Jackson’s face onto St. Patrick in a painting of him banishing the snakes and modified his character’s quote from the movie Snakes On a Plane.
“I have had it with these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking island!!!”
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Wish I had thought of that
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K-man,
I do agree with your take on the Catholic side of St Pat’s but i love the Americanized version of this holiday. Day drinking, ridiculous outfits and jigging with girls! Hell most all of us dont even know what or who the fuck a St pat is! We kind of took it over like the Tarahumara Indians took over Christmas. Reading from Richard Grant’s awesome book ” Gods middle finger”. The Tarahumara believed you got as wasted as possible collectively and your spirts would rise up out of the body and do battle with the devil. The day was complete with everyone running around with giant Jesus’s on sticks with huge hard ons stick out (of the Jesus). Maybe we can add that to St pats for now have another Irish car bomb -cheers!
-Butterpants
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I’m all for the day drinking. We could just celebrate the Irish and skip the fucking saints. Going to have to look into the Jesus dick thing.
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” Gods middle finger” is an impressive book. That author is excellent and interesting situations and description. I think he almost gets killed about 3 times in that book.
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