Hello Fresh delivered them. Mutant carrots. So long, thick and hard, they would be too big even for the hardest of hard core porn movies.
If we made a Warner Brothers cartoon to scale, Bugs Bunny would have to be 9 feet tall.
Directions said “bust out” a baking sheet. Cut these massive carrots into half-inch-thick slices and roast them in oil. Prep time 5 minutes.
After 15 minutes of chopping with our biggest and sharpest knife, the baking sheet was full, my wrists were tired and only half the carrots were gone.
Chop, chop, push, push ohh what a relieve it was… when the carrots were finally finished.
I threw the ends in the sink. Pushed them down into the disposal. Ran the water and flipped the switch.
The disposal coughed. It lurched. Then spit up black water with little metal shavings. It smelled of oil.
The water pooled and swirled when the disposal “ran”. Then it refused to drain. Leaving a blacked pool of metal shavings with a few specks of orange from the mutant carrots. Damn.
What do you do with a stagnant pool? Plunge.
Three pushes with the plunger, the water started draining. Then a trickle at my feet. Shit.
Looked under the sink only to find water spilling out the sides of the disposal and soaking all the cleaning products we had stored below. Fuck.
Cleaned out the cabinet and hand filled the space with the stolen sweat towels from the LJBTC community.
“What the hell are you doing?” The wife said as she walked in from the garage and found me on my knees praying to the pipes under the counter.
As my swearing was subsiding, she grabbed more towels and boxed up the 50 toxic plastic containers of household cleaners.
I immediately went back to the Hello Fresh directions. The potatoes were boiling, the carrots roasting. I had to get the chicken going and start the 3 different bowls of sauces or this shit was going to taste like over-baked rubber soaked in sour cream (again).
The wife bailed out the sink. Soaked up the water under it and threw the towels in the washer.
I fucking forgot and dumped the leftover boiling water from the potatoes right in the disposal. Fortunately, she had plugged the drain.
She bailed (again). She put a big paper bag in that side of the sink to hold my stupidity.
Horse fixing
Called the plumber. Got an appointment that day.
Quoted me $800 to replace the disposal. “You can go buy one yourself and we will put it in.”
Would have been cheaper. But after the four trips to Lowe’s and Home Depot and a week of waiting for electricians and plumbers to get the “right” instant hot water heater in Tucson, I was not going to trust myself to come back with the “right disposal” the first time.
When done they showed me the new disposal. I tested it. It was so quiet, it had to be “fake”. This was plumbing propaganda…
“We made a mistake on the estimate,” the plumber said. Ohhh shit, here it comes.
“It’s going to be $100 less. You had a 1/2 horsepower motor, and we quoted 3/4 horse.”
“Would that 1/4 extra horse have been able to chew through those mutant carrots?”
“I don’t think so. We found orange chunks ground into all the gears.”
I’m guessing destroying these mutants can’t be measured in horse power. It takes a real 7-foot-tall mammal with giant horse teeth to crush these orange monsters.
Threw a few of the roasted carrots in the sink. They were soften by the heat and oil, but I needed to see this fake disposal work before the plumbers left.
The 1/2 horse disposal hardly made a noise, didn’t block the water and “disposed” of those carrots in 2 seconds flat.
They say honesty is important in a relationship, so I had to explain the incredibly high bill to the wife…
“Worth it,” she said. “Better than having you fuck it up again.”
Yeah…. that level of honesty seems completely unnecessary…
Share this:
Categories: Bad Tech
KieranHumor.com 
If even half of what you say about your wife is true then you guys have a lot of fun 🤣
Sink disposal units aren’t really a thing here at all, most of our food waste goes into the dog, doesn’t need a plumber when she gets bunged up but can sometimes leave a bit of a mess!
LikeLiked by 1 person
I don’t even include half her comments here they are “too honest” for my ego to make public… Can you feed mutant carrots to a dog? Each one of these things was bigger than my chiweenie…
LikeLiked by 1 person
I can feed her carrots of any size, she won’t eat them anyway 🤣
LikeLiked by 1 person
Seems like those carrots cost about the same as karats, by the time the plumber was through with you. It’s amazing that they could do so much damage to a garbage disposal. At our house, we would have thrown them out to the wild creatures. And hopefully not with the same results.
LikeLiked by 1 person
If I had pitched these mutants in the back yard they may have spread, become sentient and taken over Arizona. Better for mankind to destroy them in the jaws of a broken disposal.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Heyyy there. I have no idea how to send you a message directly, but I have a little bit of a biiiiig favor to ask you…..would you help me get my blog set up right and possibly help me figure out what the fuck I’m gonna write about? I mean I know what I want to focus on, I’m just stuck on being stuck. If that makes sense? I’m asking you because I feel like your personality resonates with mine pertaining to your words and I’m right here in good ol Surprise. Not suggesting an in person “help me” I’m down for whatever. But I got shit to say, and I would like to try and make it a source of income….eventually….or right away. My email is ltobin55@gmail.com send me an email letting me know if you could kinda mentor me or send me an email telling me to fuck off if you aren’t interested lmao 😁 Either way. Thanks -Lyndsay
LikeLiked by 1 person
thanks for the message. I’ll send you an email and offer what little help I can.
LikeLike
Well, this brings back memories. As I think you know, a year and and a half ago, our water sanitizer which is NEXT to the disposal, started a slow, unseen leak which we only discovered when the floors in the kitchen began to warp from water damage. We had to move out of the house for two months, floors and cabinets and counters and plumbing had to be replaced. $800? I wish. At any rate, we now have a new disposal that sounds like a f’ing jet taking off when you use it. No idea what quiet would have cost. What was the price of the carrots?
LikeLiked by 1 person
Each Hello Fresh meal for 4 is about $50 (or at least that’s what the wife tells me). I could have made everything but the carrots and nobody would have known the difference. I remember the remodel story — makes me feel better it was only a disposal. Although I could use a month at LJBTC.
LikeLike
I stumbled into the kitchen, feeling quite drunk,
Trying to cook Hello Fresh, like some kind of punk,
But then I hit a snag, a problem most strange,
As I chopped up some carrots, my life began to change.
I pushed them in the disposal, turned on the switch,
But the machine coughed and lurched, like some sick little glitch,
It spat up black water, with metal shavings galore,
The smell was like oil, and my heart began to soar.
I tried to plunge the sink, to get the water to flow,
But it just kept on pooling, with nowhere to go,
I called the plumber, and got a quote so high,
I thought my wallet would burst, like a pie in the sky.
But it was worth it, my wife said with a grin,
Better than having you fuck it up again.
LikeLiked by 1 person
My prose feels so inadequate when you can tell the story in 1/10 the words and make them rhyme. Well done.
LikeLiked by 1 person