I am a terrible disappointment to my father.
Not because of my lack of reading — although he is more than underwhelmed by the number of books in my house. Not because of my vehement anti-theism. He started this humanist train in the 1970’s.
It’s my drinking. I put ice in my red wine.
“It hurts me every time I see you do it,” he said. “To think I raised a philistine, a cretin who ruins the nectar of the gods with ice.”
We live in one of the hottest cities on earth (Phoenix). Most of the year, room temperature in France is 20 degrees cooler than the air conditioner can create in my house of stucco and sticks. I’m just restoring the wine to its intended temperature.
Besides, have you ever tried it? Oh my god is wine better with a little ice. A lot of ice after I’ve been in the heat — like walking through the 150-degree garage for 3 seconds.
With a little ice, those fermented grapes just slide down your throat and settle happily in your stomach without the heaviness and toothy after taste of warm fruit juice.
A lot of ice is a great way to cover up just how much you are drinking.
“You can’t count every glass like a ‘real drink’, honey — it’s mostly ice.”
Before you know it, most of the bottle is gone, and there’s still one more episode of Handmaid’s Tale left before I can go to bed. One glass per episode is a good for a binge watch… but that means getting several bottles at the ready. I need them to get through all the fucking crying. Yes, we know it’s a dystopian future that seems to becoming more and more true each day. But we don’t need 2-minute closeups of the tears slowly forming in each eye of each actor in scene, after scene, after scene.
Anyway…
You might run into a few beer drinkers who are just as persnickety about the type of glass, temperature and fruit you add to your pint. (Fucking Larry) Whiskey drinkers are weird about the shape of their ice cubes — making blocks or big, special balls just for their tumbler.
But winos are definitely the worst. They stare and guffaw. They write internet articles and books about this bullshit with words like “bouquet” and “notes of (fill in a fruit or your favorite type of tree)…” to intimidate the rest of us into believing drinking is a fine art.
It can be an art, but it ain’t fine.
A $12 bottle of red wine tastes the same out of a paper cup as a glass with a stem. I’ve done those experiments myself and have replicated those results on many a Tuesday morning while “working” from home.
It took years of drinking the bottom shelf bottles from Trader Joe’s, but I have found one wine snob tool that I can believe in — the decanter. I don’t own one. I’m not a fucking alcoholic. But, I have actually tasted a bottle that was bitter and horrible on first sip only to become mellow and smooth and delicious after “breathing” for 20 minutes.
A little frightening that wine is still alive. How else can you explain a change in taste when it gets a new round of oxygen? But I also eat raw vegetables, without giving a shit about how the lettuce feels about it, so what are you gonna do…
I guess I could argue that the ice is the “humane way” to drink wine. It could numb the victim in the glass to the pain of being devoured by my stomach acid and gut biome. But I won’t argue that. Humans don’t really give a shit about the pain of other beings — even if they are still breathing as we are swallowing.
Keep that image in your mind the next time you order a fine bottle on a romantic evening… I may be a disappointment to an entire class of people and my very own father, but I will be the one smiling in the corner with his cheap bottle and his glass of ice, so I can enjoy my cool red wine in peace.
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Categories: Political Correctness, Top 10
Thanks for the laugh this morning! And you’re not alone. I love ice in my red too!
Welcome to the dark side
It’s pretty cold where I live, so I wouldn’t dream of doing this. However, I can recommend topping up your glass with the cheapest orange juice you can find and pretending you are sipping sangria in Seville. It’s another way of drinking more without anybody noticing!
Another way… words from the wise.
Superb post. You are a great read but you don’t post often enough.
Reading this piece, I smugly chuckled, thinking, “this is me!” Except I lament TJ no longer has a real Two-Buck Chuck. You pour me grape juice with alcohol, and I’m good to go.
I do require a glass glass. Doesn’t have to have a stem and dammit not one of those schmaltzy Reidel fishbowls! But I can’t do Cabernet from a Dixie Cup or one of those red plastic pieces of crap. The Boss on the other hand requires a Pinot Noir with a bit of snobbish attitude and if ever she strays to another varietal, the proper glass is requisite.
Enjoyed the read. Looking forward to the next one.
Thanks. Once a week feels like a lot to me. I should tell the story of how charles Shaw (the original two-buck chuck) ended up in the same retirement home as my dad.
Be cool. I’ll watch for it.
As always, you make me chuckle. I wish I could drink red wine. Migraines. Only white for me, but at least it isn’t “breathing” while I drink it.
Just keep telling yourself your food doesn’t “breathe”. That will make it all OK.
Ice is definitely needed in red wine in hot temps. I like to make red and white wine spritzers too, but I usually use a pint glass and sometimes I end up forgetting what I’m doing and pour a pint of wine… oops. Gulp a bit then top with soda. Gulp some more to make room for ice. And yeah, going through a bottle in a night looks bad, but leaving even just a few fingers makes it look just fine and not judgable. That’s what I tell myself anyway.
A bottle is only 4 glasses. If you drink all day, 4 glasses is just a nice buzz. It’s not tequila or heroine for fucks sake.
Agreed, that’s nothin over a whole day. (Don’t tell my drs) But a bottle in an evening on a weeknight…. It makes me feel better about myself if there’s a little wine left, not to mention the bf tends to open a good bottle of beer to share but always after I’ve already poured a wine spritzer or rum & diet coke. Also am I the only one who thinks cocktails at bars are weak after a year+ of making them at home?? Anyone?
Yeah, always a good idea to pour out a little for the homies.
Laugh out loud posts but for some reason i cannot follow…
Thanks. You are already following. That’s how I found you.