The wife and I have been together for nearly 40 years — she has been threatening my life for a full 4 decades. I never took her fake plans seriously until this Easter. It had nothing to do with Jesus rolling a stone. It was about hamburgers. I’m […]
I promised the wife I would never write this story, but Tuesday’s a coming and I got nothing else. She and the 95-year-old house elf were about to enable my cookie addiction with a brand new batch of sugar cookies for Easter. As usual, I was in the […]
Update: March 10, 2024 Watch Lewis Black read this rant. Lewis read this at the end of his show in Omaha, Nebraska. The rant about corn that follows is much funnier, but I’m glad my little unfunny story made the cut. Notice the intro: where Lewis has to […]
Utah, home of the insane 3.2 beer laws, and massive Mormon families has the best law I have heard about this decade. “Free-range children.”
I don’t think “puppy dreams” are cute. You know when your dog is “running” or “growling” in its sleep. People stop and “ooh” like it’s a baby who is just starting to smile and coo.
That baby is cute; that dog is in hell.
I love Labor Day.
The Fourth of July is bullshit; Christmas perpetuates the Greatest Lie Ever Told; but Labor Day is simple and honest: Let’s take a day off to celebrate that we get to take days off.
Grown-ass men tell me to “watch my language” when kids are around. Fuck that.
Ironing is fucking stupid and dangerous, and we should all stop it.
Hello Fresh delivered them. Mutant carrots. So long, thick and hard, they would be too big even for the hardest of hard core porn movies.
Sometimes life forces hard choices; some choices are easy.
For Jerry Seinfeld, it was cabinets — for me it was paint. Gary can paint it any color you want. You just have to “say” what you want.
My father’s family, the MacNamaras, had a great saying: “Never stand when you can sit. Never sit when you can lay down.”
We’ve been married for more than 35 years. It almost ended this past Christmas Eve.
A month before his wedding, my son took 15 of his best friends on a bachelor party trip that included surfing in San Diego and at least one day trip to Tijuana.
Fucking weddings have gotten even more complicated. Now you have to have a website with invitations, RSVP’s, maps, shit to do, the mandatory shopping lists (registry) and the obligatory “Our Story.”
Somehow it became my job to review my son’s website and send him feedback and corrections (thanks to the project management skills of the wife). Mostly around “Our Story,” because his story is not as good as his cousin’s (who just got married Sept. 29).
