Update: March 10, 2024

Watch Lewis Black read this rant.

Lewis read this at the end of his show in Omaha, Nebraska. The rant about corn that follows is much funnier, but I’m glad my little unfunny story made the cut.

Notice the intro: where Lewis has to point out that I write in a shit ton of stuff to his website. You poor readers have had to pour through most of it.

If you haven’t been subjected to it yet — the text of the original story and baby video is below.

Original story

I don’t know when I’ve been so angry and so proud of the Boy at the same time.

Between Thanksgiving and Christmas, the Boy and his smarty-pants wife absconded with our fresh new granddaughter to the beaches of Cabo, Mexico.

He’s on “paternity leave.” She’s working remotely and part-time. He turned it into a month-long surf vacation.

“I’m taking the truck with the camper in case the waves are better somewhere up the beach…” She had to fly solo with the 4-month-old baby (who acted like the Devil herself for 4 hours on that flight) while he took three drunken days with a friend driving the highways of the Baja Peninsula.

I don’t know what she sees in him or why she stays. They say mental illness can manifest in many different ways.

They left their dog with us. Nearly every day we send pictures and videos of their dog. She has not changed. Nearly every day they send pictures and videos of our grandbaby. She turned 5 months, and is changing everyday. 

This past week they sent this: (Sound ON)

God damn it. What’s the matter with that Boy teaching his daughter how to make disgusting noises…

I wanted to be the one who taught her that. Farts are the purview of grandpas and uncles. Now that I’m a card-carrying member of the AARP, I’m entitled to start my second childhood. Spending most of my time riding my bike and hanging out with my best friend (the dog). Wearing socks with sandals. Entering the “don’t give a shit” phase of life — free from the judgement of others.

My son is supposed to be the adult. He’s the new parent. They are responsible for the care and feeding of their family. Making sure their child grows up to be an upright citizen, making sure she says “please and thank you”. They are not supposed to raise the kind of kid who will make fart noises in the back of class. 

That’s my fucking job.

But I gotta say… that kid puts everything from the toes to her eyebrows into those farts. That leg kicking and squirming is the pride of workmanship that is missing in most of America today.

When the wife saw the video she demanded I open my phone.

“Our granddaughter is GIFTED,” she screamed. ”Check your phone, check your PHONE.”

She’s right. That baby can’t crawl. That baby can’t eat solid food. But she can put her whole soul into mimicking the sound of escaping gas.

In 18 years, she can just put this video on her application to Harvard. No need for a safety school.

How else will this special talent impact her life?

The wife says it won’t. ”She won’t remember this. Remember when the Boy did that stupid accent for a few years… it will pass.”

I say this is the kind of shit that sticks. In her reptile brain there will always be a memory of making people laugh. The center of attention. The star of the show.

Every time she kicks and makes noises with her lips, part of her will remember this gift she brought to the world at just 5 months.

You better believe she is going to be the kind of girl who thinks farts are funny. And I couldn’t be more proud.