It’s an idea that came to me on the ides of March.
By came to me, I mean it was texted to me at 3 a.m. on March 14 by Larry Ward, for fuck’s sake. Larry, the home-brew lawyer, hasn’t had more than 2 hours of sleep since 1981. Normally, I have no idea about the sleeping habits of my male friends. But me and 3 other guys tried to sleep in a two bedroom suite with Larry at a dorm-room-style stay at a tennis camp in Texas. We agreed. If he slept, he did it like a bat — hanging upside-down from the ceiling.
So a middle-of-the-night text was not a big surprise… But getting “rich”?
I assumed if Larry thought we could be rich, it had to be a sin: drinking, or “sex and drugs and rock ‘n roll”. I knew drinking was only making us beg for donations on go fund me.
I had already proposed the drug business and been rejected by my peers, and I can’t sing, dance or play an instrument.
I mean the free home brew is good, but not turning tricks for Larry good. Turns out it wasn’t sex — it was much less fun but much more lucrative.
Brilliant.
We rejected the crack idea as “out of my skill set.” I’m more about sitting and typing than driveby shootings.
And I have a self-imposed restraining order keeping me at least 1000 feet away from schools since I quit teaching junior high in 2000.
Getting started in the Bible business
I immediately went to work. First step, cut out all the shit that no one reads.
- Anything with a 1 or 2 (1 Samual – 2 Samuel, 1 Corinthians – 2 Corinthians) gone. No fucking redos in today’s America.
- All the book names with more than two syllables — gone. Later Leviticus. We can punish our fake “outcasts” by pigment, or gender or sexual preferences in an easier to remember book title like “Rules”…
- All stories about women (other than Bathsheba, Virgin Mary, any prostitutes or rape victims) — gone. See ya Esther and Ruth — no prophets with vaginas can exist under the Roberts Supreme Court.
Some books and stories need to change:
- The Book of Job is now the Book of Jared: Making toady-nepotism great again.
- The Good Samaritan is now The Only Good Samaritan: All other foreigners are rapists and murderers
- Sermon on the Mount is now Sermon on Mounting Porn Stars: When your famous you can do anything — grab em by the pussy.
Some books titles are perfect:
- Judges: You can’t trust ’em, unless they rule for our Lord and Savior DJT
- Kings: Best form of government ever — Ivanka is the crown princess
- Lamentations: A catalog of Truth Social posts
- Acts: All legal OR total and absolute immunity
- Jude: Hey, such a good song
- Revelation: Keep the title — total rewrite with Armageddon being replaced by Mar-a-Lago.
It needs some additions:
Needs a new tone:
We sell it to the rubes as a new Bible, and we sell it to the Libtards in what passes for satire in the 21st Century in the same way Comedy Central sold the Colbert Report to conservatives as news and liberals as humor 20 years ago.
Lee Greenwood screws us both
After 12 days of planning and scamming, March 26, the news hit.
Trump teamed up with Lee Greenwood selling Bibles at $60 a pop. Complete with copies of the US Constitution, and lyrics to the future fascist theme-song God Bless the USA.
Typical Trump. No complicated rewrites. No subtle sarcasm. Just straight to the grift. Sitting there next to a crypt-keeper version of singer/fake patriot Lee Greenwood and smiling like they are in the middle of taking a small shit…
…and straight up selling unadulterated Bibles with no copyright for 500-percent of cost.
God damn it. Larry Ward and I were going to be rich. Larry Ward and I were going to profit from Christian Nationalism and salve the guilt with ironic satire.
It should be Larry Ward and I sitting in those chairs with blood-shot eyes and bad hair pumping up our new religion that creates a fake history of America and pushes that brown-hippie, sandal-wearing, grown-ass-man-in-a-dress Jesus out of our new book — die for our sins, my ass.
This is about profit; not prophecy. We were just too stupid to realize you could sell it without work. Our guilt-riddled upbringings won’t allow us to accept compensation without sacrifice.
Trump style scam… no rewrites; no changes. The Bible has always been sold by con man looking for money and power (count the billions in the coffers of the Catholic Church).
You can make it say whatever you want it to say — as is. How else do you think this “theology” has morphed and changed to meet the needs of the greedy for two millennia.
Want to justify slavery — use the Bible.
Want to justify banning abortion? Doesn’t matter that Jesus never said anything about it and the Old Testament even has a recipe for abortion — just pull some quotes about counting hairs on heads and bad translations about knowing “you” for all time — and the illiterates will commit murder in “your name” in front of Planned Parenthood.
Reading the actual Bible is like fighting a war — it’s for losers and suckers.
The winners just slap their little orange hands around whatever will sell and hock it on the internet like so much fake jewelry.
Even in the middle of the night, Larry Ward and I should have known we could never make a profit in the Bible business. We don’t believe a word of it, so we have too many scruples to take something for nothing.
We should have known if you are going to make money in the Bible business you have to have absolutely no morals, be a complete lazy shit and have a willingness to use what people value most to con them into ordering useless shit on the internet.
It helps to wrap yourself in an American flag like you are dead Jesus, and it’s the Shroud of Turin.
Sorry to say Larry, no matter how many midnight epiphanies make it to our text messages, we will never be as slick, and slimy and “rich” as Lee Greenwood or Donald Trump.
I think you need to start compiling your works and creating your own Bible, a ‘Myble’ if you will…
Would you pay $60 for “myble” and $400 for my gold painted shoes?
The Bible is actually a compilation of many small books, so you only have to write one small book. You could call it, “The Book of Kieran.” It would be about an atheist, bicycle-riding prophet who scorns pickleball, and provides tennis tips. It may not save any souls, but it could help tennis players improve their game.
Good ideas, but
My Book would focus on solving problems with logic, reason and justice for all and warn the zealots that there is nothing super natural and no such thing as a holy book. Read the Bible for the stories, ignore all the other shit.
Logic? Reason? Justice? I have a feeling your book would be roundly condemned.
Absolutely. I’m against it already.
Been waiting to see how you’d process this “event”. Be careful. More like this and people are going to start suspecting that behind the beer talk and self-demigrogery you’re slightly brilliant.
Had to look up demigrogery to realize it’s a made up word about alcoholic political thought — accurate. Is slightly brilliant the new special education?
You have more energy than me. I like the part about the secrets, though.
I don’t know about energy… took me two weeks to write a few paragraphs about religion and grift.