Fat Biker

New Careers

It’s taken me 40 years to figure out I always need a backup career, because some shit is going to happen and I will be the scapegoat. Currently, I have 2 backup careers in mind: insurance fraud and money laundering.

They seem “easy.”

old man in prison

What the hell, I’m old and ugly and don’t have that many good years left, so prison isn’t so scary anymore.

I literally fell ass-backward into the insurance fraud idea. I was driving the lying nazi bullshit diesel VW on I-10 when I got rear-ended by a Mercedes. I was fine, the fucking car I hate was hardly damaged.  The $5,000 trek bike I love was totaled. The bike was hanging off the back — took the brunt of the impact.

Goddamn Allstate had the car fixed and back on the road before they could even figure out how to file a claim on a $5k bike. But 3 months and 40 fucking phone calls later, the mouth breathers came up with an answer and sent me a check. I parted out the bike and was able to rebuild that bike and buy a second one that was “almost as good.”

Two years later, that “free” bike was locked to the bike carrier on the lying nazi bullshit diesel in the parking lot of the third world racquet club when some mother fucker with bolt cutters stole it.

Allstate homeowners replaced that bike, and my new career is born:

  1. Sell my bikes on Craig’s list
  2. Claim insurance as stolen bike
  3. Repeat

I figure I have to move 2 bikes a month under various fake names to make my bills… easy.

The bike scam is probably short-lived, so I’m likely to turn to one of my “new friends” from the fucking Texas trip. PJ, the swarthy Brazilian lawyer, has just the deal for a clever guy like me.

One of his clients is a medical-Marijauna company. The pot is legal in Az, but the money isn’t.

“They have bags and bags of cash,” PJ tells me like we are in a scene from Ocean’s 11 and we are going to take down the evil casino. “We just need to set up a bank to take in the cash, so these guys can pay their rent and suppliers with checks.”

Isn’t that money laundering?

“I’ll bury it in so many LLC’s, they will never know who you are,” PJ says.

I lose this job, go through the bike scam, and I’m in. Who can say no to bags of cash. Any alleged pot-smoking lawyer named “PJ” has to be trustworthy, right?

Besides, even if I get caught, I’ll be a fucking hero in the pot world — I’ll probably be able to get high for life in my jail cell….

I didn’t say they would be good careers just new careers.


Originally, I hatched this plan in 2017, but with the Covid-19 economic depression, it’s a good time to revisit Plan B.

Fraud and money laundering are practically depression proof… right?

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