Fake ID for TP

For the first time in 35 years together, the Bear and I are doing a little bit of hoarding.

I know what you are thinking, and fuck you. It’s just a little bit of hoarding, and it’s not for us.

“Your dad, my mom, my aunt, my other aunt, and Gloria and Shirley all need this shit,” the Bear told me as we carried in all kinds of supplies we will never use.

All are over 80 or 90 and all are sheltering.  The Bear and the young Savages are going out to find the “basic” supplies.

“They told my niece she got the wrong brand of flour,” the Bear said. “She just put the shit by the door and said, ‘Jesus, with these people.'”

It’s become a bit of a game.  Every day the Bear makes the rounds to Sam’s Club, the grocery store, Walmart and Walgreens, just looking for a few pieces of  “contraband.”

But the daily hunt was not enough.  The Bear resorted to identify theft.

“They let people over 60 into the grocery store at 6 a.m. when all the new stuff comes in,” she said.

She is 59.

“I’m borrowing my sister’s ID…  It worked when I was 17.”

nancy-pelosi license

If her sister’s license didn’t work, this may have been the second choice — clearly well over 60 and in need of TP.

At least the first felonies in the 1970’s,  it was to get booze.  Committing felonies, for a few roles of toilet paper in the 21st Century is just — pathetic.

They carded everyone at the door.   I guess the out-of-work bouncers are picking up day shifts at Safeway.

I have no idea what the penalty would be if she got caught?  Would they keep the card?  Would they beat her away from the door with night sticks?  Would they call the cops and throw her in tent city with the DUI drivers?

“Her picture looks pretty good,” the Bear said.  “They never even batted an eye.”

At least this use of the fake ID didn’t end with her puking in the dumpster behind the bar.

She just walked away with these little baby rolls of toilet paper. Geno would use two entire rolls of this wee little TP for  just an “average” morning shit.

The store had hand sanitizer and a few paper towels too.

“But they only had like 5 of each thing.  It was weird,” the Bear said.

Duh… People like you (and me) keep cleaning them out every day and every morning.  No wonder they only have “5” of each thing in any given store.

“I know it’s stupid,” the Bear said.  “But I gotta do something.”

At least we are not hoarding ventilators and surgical masks… Jared.

Just when you think fake ID’s are far in your past, they come back like acne and diapers.

Maybe, the sister’s fake ID will work for Social Security and Medicare too? Call me a “Futurist” — with this coming depression, I’m predicting people will be stealing identities for a lot more than a few small roles of toilet paper. We might as well get ahead of that wave too.

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