A Fifth of Hope

Just when I think Americans and their leaders are so fucked-up, the country hardly deserves to survive, we do something as a group I can finally salute.

In this pandemic, exercise is down and alcohol sales are up. Halle-fucking-lujah!

I’ll bet medical marijauna and just plain old pot smoking is going through the roof (pun intended).

That all seems like the right priority to me.


Stole this happy image from here:

When we are all stuck at home; sweat and lettuce don’t mix.  If you are going to work out; get out.

Gyms are closed, people are not walking around their offices killing time with their shit-head co-workers. It’s not a surprise that Fitbit is recording fewer steps.

But I can tell you the bike paths in Tucson and Phoenix are full of walkers, dogs and fucking horses I’ve never seen out there before. People are definitely getting out of the house to keep from killing their spouse.

That’s where a little more booze and getting a little more stoned can only help.  If nothing else,  it’s going to make this time go faster.

“I can pretty much handle the toilet paper shortage and make do without paper towels,” my friend, Wolf said. “But I’d be pissed if they ran out of beer.”

As you may have guessed, Wolf is German.  Bad shit happens in the world when you piss off the Huns. Just ask Poland or Belgium.

Better a little booze to calm the masses — German or not.

Of course the experts are full of advice about increasing exercise and avoiding overeating and over drinking… Blah, blah, blah.

Most of us are all for the epidemiologists telling us to stay at home, stay the hell away from people and wash the shit out of our hands.  We know the wellbeing crowd are probably right too.  But most people can only do one “good” thing at a time.

In a pandemic, kale can wait.

When anxious, people need a release. Look, alcohol is how we got through the tough times in American history.

The Founding Fathers were all drunk before lunch and stayed that way until late into the evening. They railed against the devil rum, but they didn’t have bottled water — they had bottles of beer, wine and George Washington was distilling his own Rye.

Civil War soldiers rarely went into battle sober. The Old West cliche’ saloon was pretty close to the truth — cowboys were not drinking diet cokes.

The roaring 20’s had the backlash against alcohol that lead to prohibition.  But soon after the economy went into the shitter, they repealed that bullshit.  “Happy Days are Here Again,” was followed by FDR raising a glass of beer and getting the rest of the country to drink with him.

Somebody needs to keep their jobs — it might as well be the brewers, the distillers and the wine makers.  That shit is a public service too.

And yeah, like anything, too much alcohol will make it all worse.  It can lead to killing that spouse before you pass out.  Or fights, or abuse.  Damaged livers and dead brain cells.

But too much water can kill you too. People know booze is bad for them — most will find the right balance — at least eventually.

So let’s keep these priorities right while we can, America.  We fucked up the start of this pandemic, but now maybe we can figure out how to make all the ventilators, and cover our health workers with masks and the correct plastic.

But when our long days are done, or we are stuck at home without enough to do, having a beer (or 6) with the few people you like (and sometimes even love when you’re just the right amount of dizzy) is one way to keep the stress at bay.

A little buzz can make you forget all the destruction and depravations of our “normal” lives.  Take a few minutes to laugh a little, relax a bit, and get some fucking sleep for a change.

Splitting a fifth of tequila after the sun goes down can help you hold out a little hope that this shit will end; things will get better. If nothing else, it will be a “temporary” fifth of hope.

Categories: Covid-19

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12 replies »

  1. Whisky is my new best friend! I binge drink all summer long while camping but don’t drink any other time. Well, I figure self isolation is kinda like camping, indoors …so…fuck it! I’m drinking. Sales in both booze and pot have definitely gone up in my country too. When the whisky runs out I’m moving on to Vodka.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I don’t drink booze, so I’m going through all this bullshit stone cold sober. It ain’t easy to see how fucked up this world is getting, without taking a nip, belt, or shot, and I’m sure I’ll have PTSD for the remainder of my life.
    But at least when this world goes down the shitter for the final flush, I’ll have a clear memory of what happened to it (if I’m still alive), and I’ll have a humdinger of a story to tell all of you drunks who hazily sloshed your way through this crisis. So stay tuned to my blog. I’ll keep you posted.

    Liked by 1 person

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