Did I tell you the wife and I are going to be grandparents?

Blossom Savage is due in June.

Yes, Savage is an awesome middle name. The family is split on Blossom. But trust a guy named Kieran, when you ask “what’s in a name?” the answer is absolutely fucking nothing.

Whatever you name your kid, they will learn to answer to it, or they will change it. No matter the combination of letters, some little shithead at school will find a way to make fun of it.

A week after their drunken weekend of rehearsal dinners, the wedding and the after party that ended with a 3-minute hazy video of champagne bottles and sweaty 30-somethings landing on “the Insta”, the “kids” found out they were going to have a kid.

The Boy has always had lucky timing, but that’s cutting it too damn close.

Let’s hope that it’s a long time before Blossom learns that pregnancy is 36 weeks, but it’s only 32 weeks from October to June.

“Let’s just count to 30, Blossom. You can count higher after you turn 21.”

There’s lots of things I’m looking forward to.

• Spoiling Blossom rotten
• Watching the Boy deal with a manipulative little smartass
• Teaching Carol Baskins to handle a new rival for my affection…

The wife loves Disneyland, and she’s looking forward to the grandchild as another excuse to go.

I hate the “magic kingdom” almost as much as pickleball. The fake scenes, the fake smiles and the super inflationary prices pierce my brain like the paddle on whiffle ball pokes holes in my ear drum.

In 2023, I learned there’s something new I can do instead of being another sheep trapped in the Disney pen.

Until a few months ago, I had never heard of Drag Queen Story Time — now I can’t wait to go.

Anything with the power to flip your sexual preference or proclivities has got to be a magical experience.

If the Biblical tales of Sampson and Delilah and David and Bathsheba can’t scare kids out of heterosexuality, what kind of secret sauce are these drag queens spewing?

I’m just impressed with the level of commitment. Imagine getting rid of every hair from the top of your toes to inside your nose? Then smoothing over the razor bumps just so you can slather yourself in lotion and makeup.

Then you have to hide all the bumps in your throat and groin and do something about those testosterone eyebrows.

Sounds exhausting.

After all that, then you have to find a great story to tell and rehearse until you say it just right in a voice that’s not quite yours.

As a 60-year-old man, I can’t show up to any kids’ event by myself. I’ll end up on some pedophile watch list.

But this grandchild will be just the excuse I need…

“Com’on Blossom, wear some heels and crazy makeup if you want… it’s grandpa story time. “