Category: Tales of Tucson

The Old Pueblo is full of Pendejos and other problem children described in these bullshit stories. It’s Austin (or Portland) with a lot more cactus and a lot less cash.

I'm in Hot Water — Finally

By Kieran on August 25, 2022 • ( 1 Comment )

Every time I try to do something good for the planet, I get screwed.

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The Nelson Step

By Kieran on June 16, 2022 • ( 3 Comments )

Look down when you are leaving the bar at the 3rd world racquet club — one of these steps is not like the others. It’s blonde and has a slightly different pattern

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Putin and other neighbors

By Kieran on March 24, 2022 • ( 1 Comment )

Most of my neighbors are so fucked up I can barely look them in the eye, but the Bear and the boy keep dragging me into conversations with them.

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Happy Birthday — KEVIN

By Kieran on April 27, 2021 • ( 7 Comments )

I’m sure you will agree that birthdays are BULLSHIT. You have done nothing to deserve all this. Today, you are just a hairy freeloader forcing a social tax on your friends for food, drinks and gifts. Congratulations — you are now a socialist.

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Dick Move or Nah?

By Kieran on March 30, 2021 • ( 3 Comments )

Among the Pendejos we have a split decision on whether Shad should be nominated for a bronze medal in Dick Move of the Year 2021.

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Abandon the Third-World Racquet Club — Updated

By Kieran on January 28, 2021 • ( 9 Comments )

After a dozen years of living part time in the Dirty T, right around Christmas, I quit my job — so I’m selling my condo and abandoning the third-world racquet club.

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The Bear is gone; Sugar Mama is here to stay

By Kieran on January 14, 2021 • ( 17 Comments )

Turns out the woman who I have referred to as “The Bear” on the internet for the past three years is not an animal at all.

She’s my Sugar Mama… showering me with all of that sweet, sweet teacher money.

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Cold cash for more brew

By Kieran on September 8, 2020 • ( 7 Comments )

Jesus wanted our money — but this time it was for a good cause: better brewing from Larry, for fuck’s sake.

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Spouse Shaming by Kate

By Kieran on December 19, 2019 • ( 12 Comments )

I bumped into the shaming couple in the third world club the other night. They asked one simple question. They didn’t like my answer.

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Fat Biker: Murderous Drivers

By Kieran on November 19, 2019 • ( 5 Comments )

Just because you are wrapped in two tons of steel and plastic doesn’t mean you get to run over anything that slightly annoys you — especially a fat biker just out for a ride.

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Oxy Robbery

By Kieran on September 10, 2019 • ( 8 Comments )

The CVS drugstore near my office is clean, efficient, and can fill every imagniable personal need.

It’s fucking amazing. I love it.

Unfortunately, it’s more of a magnet for crime than a two-dollar whore house.

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Fucking Parking Lot

By Kieran on August 8, 2019 • ( 5 Comments )

I was just two windows away from my second possible menage-a-trois, and I’m so old, I didn’t even turn around to look.

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The Legend Retires — Updated

By Kieran on August 1, 2019 • ( 12 Comments )

Believe it or not, I have a friend, who recently became “famous” for quitting. Well, at least “internet famous” (in Tucson only) when he quietly retired.