I like coffee, but I don’t want to work for it. I’m not getting an espresso machine, or grinding beans, or French pressing my way to a muddy mess.
Just let me buy the cheapest drip coffee maker… That won’t fucking happen. I like coffee, but I have a wife, and she’s not having it.
When my four-year-old, $14 Mr. Coffee, piece-of-shit, finally rotted away, she insisted I shop for a new one. But she wanted veto power.
“Don’t press “Buy” until I’ve had a chance to look at it.”
We settled for a $75 “BrAun.” I’m not fucking kidding; it comes with the capital A.
German engineering. Precision measurements. Crappy spelling.
Does the exact same thing my 14-dollar Mr. Coffee did in the exact same way. Same filters. Same grounds. Boil the water and drip it. Throw the paper filter and old grounds away and repeat every morning for as many years as it will last. Tastes exactly the same.
Ohh but look. What’s this? Three (or maybe 4) options for how fast or slow you want your water to boil.
Now that I’m nearly retired, you would think I could savor my morning brew and pick “Bold.” Tried it the first morning. By the time I peed and brushed my teeth, my first cup was almost ready.
Mr. Coffee was always ready on time. One button, “start”. I had coffee right as I walked out of the bathroom.
Switched to “Regular” — but there was just a little bit of a wait before I could grab the first cup.
Switched to “Fast” — it was exactly the same as Bold and Regular. Coming out of the bathroom, I had a 5-10 second delay before pouring the first cup.
What the fuck “BrAun?” Why do you have 3 buttons that do the exact same thing with the exact same timing?
I’m not even sure what the “Over *” buttons does, but I’ll bet I’ll have a 5-10 second wait before I can pour my first cup.
It’s a German thing
The PTSD hit me from the last thing I bought based on German Engineering. You remember the Lying Nazi Bullshit Diesel. The “clean diesel” that was going to save the planet. But instead turned into one of the biggest frauds in automotive history. It was just as dirty as any diesel, but had a built in switch to fool the emissions tests in America.
I drove around for 3 years polluting the planet at an unprecedented rate, while the American court system figured out how to “punish” VW and settle with the 13 million victims. It wasn’t exactly the Nuremberg trial, but I did end up getting a decent deal out of “the lie”. Basically I got to turn the car in after 6 years and 100,000 miles for the same price I paid for it. And VW got to continue making a profit.
So here we are 6 years later, and I’m still falling for the German bullshit.
You would think I would have learned something from 20th Century history. When you are looking for honesty, maybe the Fatherland should not be first on your list? You know they kinda started two world wars based on stories only a Nazi could believe.
Sure, the French press may be messy, but they aren’t trying to lie about the mess or confuse you with “three buttons” that do exactly the same thing. For the French, there are no buttons. It’s just a giant mug with one filter. Press down with your whole hand, and drink whatever floats to the top.
Those Italian expresso machines look complicated as hell. But at least all the nobs, and buttons and dials and handles “do something different.”
I don’t have any idea what any of those buttons and handles do — but I’m confident they are not “Lying” about it.
Sure, I could defeat this German thing and replace it with an Italian or French make, but that would take effort.
I’m just going to swallow this over-priced liar and wait for it to die of the same rotting and rusting death that kills all my drip coffee makers. I just leave the spilled water and coffee on the bottom plate until it burns off or rusts away.
Then sometime in 2026 or 2028, I’ll quietly replace it with a $15 Mr. Coffee. It may not be good — but at least it honestly sucks.
I figured out your “Subscribe” button. I at first did not notice that I had to type my damned email address in, in order to subscribe. I don’t know why this is so necessary, since I always turn off the feature to get emails of other people’s posts and comments. I hate getting lots of email, so I rely upon that little “bell” thing at the top-right corner of my blog to find other people’s posts.
Just like the “Subscribe” button, your coffee machine sounds like it’s been over-complicated. That seems to be a thing with electronic devices. Manufacturers love to make them as complex as possible, to impress us enough to pay extra for all the fucked-up features we will never use. I hate having to read a manual just to figure out how to use a simple device. Hell, I’d pay more for simplicity.
Thanks for figuring it out. I subscribe to a lot of blogs. Some give the me notification, some email, some just show up in my reader. I have no idea why or how they are different.
If you go into your Reader’s “Manage Subscriptions” feature, you can click on the little 3-dot ellipses to the right of each listed subscription. There, you can choose how you prefer to be notified.
Awesome. Thanks.
Ah, the search for the perfect single cup of morning coffee. Mine usually gets dumped in the sink after two sips.
I usually end up dumping more than I drink. Hence the cheap ass drip system.
For actually coffee that MR Coffee Dripper is hard to beat.
I Do Lattes with a Breville most days and it’s pretty easy once you dial it in. Ridiculous settings are totally annoying. BrAun should make that easier and loose the A and stop making panzers.
🙂
-Butterpants