What’s the difference between a douchebag and an asshole?

Time.

People easily become douchebags around age 15-17. Usually when their parents buy them a Mustang, or a Camero or one of those fucking Dukes of Harzard cars complete with the confederate flag.

If they don’t have a good spouse, or a friend or some catastrophic event like cancer break down their selfish prick ways, they will spend the next 20-25 years cutting people off in traffic, conniving every last dime they can out of everyone they know, and thinking of nothing but themselves.

When they turn 40, buy them a giant chocolate sheet cake. You are going to need lots of space for all the letters, so a little fucking round carrot cake won’t work.

In the center, cut a whole deep enough to reach the dark gooey chocolate center. Then shove a 1-inch diameter candle right up the center of that hole.

Spell out: “Happy 40th Birthday

You are no longer a douchebag

Now you are a full-blown flaming asshole”

PS: Shout out to Nick, who recently de-friended me on all social media. In May, he will be celebrating 18 years of being a total and complete asshole.