If you love all things synchronized — swimming, rhythm gymnastics, doubles diving… Imagine how wonderful North Korea must be. You should go.

In North Korea, everyone has to time their laughing and clapping perfectly — just to keep the bullets out of their little brains.

That’s perfect synchronization on a massive scale. Total fucking dedication. You can’t find any of that shit in America.

Sure there are stories that North Korea may be dangerous. But Dennis Rodman makes it look fun.

And Fox News says nothing is more dangerous than Chicago – did you hear how many shootings Chicago had this year? I think it’s in the millions. Most Americans would say it’s way more than people going to concentration camps in North Korea. Chicago is a big city, and Korea is a tiny little 3rd world shit country.

If you have no idea how to get to North Korea, contact some religious organization. Tell them you want to be their missionary for Jesus, or Jehovah or Allah or whatever the fuck the Scientologists call god.

Only the religious will send people to a place like North Korea. They know that if they just pray hard enough and really, really believe in Santa or whatever, that you will be safe and sound…

Or not… churches need martyrs too.

Either way that’s your ticket to the personality paradise of Kim Jun Whatever. Have you noticed each generation of the dear leader seems to be fatter and more inbred than the last. Same thing happened in Rome and look how well that Empire turned out.

Just like Rome, North Koreans are building all kinds of statues and posters to their leader. 2000 years later tourists love going to Rome or Florence to see all that old shit.

But you can go to Pyongyang and see the personality cult while it’s new and full of fresh-faced followers. Hell, I heard you can rip a poster or two right off the hotel wall to take home as a souvenir.

If you have an American passport, you should expect the full force of the US government and military to hold and keep you safe and warm no matter where you might go — or accidently wander, or sneak into under the cover of night. I’m pretty sure it’s a law or says so in the constitution or that declaration thingy.

Maybe I’ve got that wrong and it’s the bible that says American rights are never infringed anywhere in the world. Anyway, you don’t need to read it, to know it’s true.

Besides, you can take lots of coke-a-cola and Levis. You can go anywhere with a coke and a smile. I’ll bet it’s like Russia in the 90’s, and they will give you anything for a pair of jeans.

So North Korea it is. I hope they are as excited to see you, as you will be to see them.

PS – for any of you dumb fucks who can’t tell, no one likes synchronized swimming, rhythm gymnastics or doubles diving. And NEVER go to North Korea…