Lewis Black

Lewis Black tells nice lies

Last weekend,  the Bear said “the Bear hit a home run, didn’t I.”

Wow, that 3rd person “nickname” reference is fucking weird. Anyway, she bought tickets to see Lewis Black in San Diego, booked the flight, got a cool place to stay one block from the theater (Gas Lamp Plaza Suites).

Merry Christmas to me.

It was the second time we saw Lewis Black. He and his opening act, John Bowman are fucking funny. But the audience — holy shit. There’s a bunch of “mini-Black’s” (not as racist as it sounds — I swear). The “mini’s” are all saying, “fuck you,” and calling each other “douchebags” before the show even starts.

Two large ladies with ginormous purses showed up 45 minutes late and pushed and stepped over everybody in the row behind us to get to their middle seats. I could hear the two 60-something ladies behind us:

“Show up on time, douchebag.”

“Get your fucking ass out of the way.”

“I’m not standing up for these assholes.”

The late ladies hit everybody in our row with their purses, and spilled something on the Bear and the guy on the other side of her.

“That better be fucking water,” they said. Light beer — close enough.

Fortunately, it’s an older (probably “toothless”) audience, and only words were exchanged.

Near the end of the show, Lewis said “Kieran from Tucson” wrote in, and the Bear turned around and was pointing at me.

“Don’t point…. I’m not that fucking confident…”

The Bear don’t give a fuck

“That’s him, that’s him.” She said about 5 times to everyone around us — patting me on the back.

Lewis read my little joke (video attached), and I was like a 3rd-grade girl (or Gibson on half a bottle of juice) giggling when the audience sort of laughed.

For the past year, I have posted most of these Bullshit blogs on http://www.lewisblack.com/live. He has read 2 full stories, a short story and this 3-line joke. I basically begged him to read the joke after typing in 3 times I was coming to San Diego. I asked him to read Fucking Fumbles — because it was the night before the Super Bowl. But I wrote the short joke, knowing the longer stuff will never get on.

Did you catch the part in the video when he said we are “friends”? That’s nice, but it’s a fucking lie.

Lewis Black (the famous comic) and I are friends the same way Google and I are friends. I type words into a text field on the internet and hit “submit.”

My friend “Google” comes back with a list of web pages or pictures.

My friend “Lewis Black” comes back with “thanks, submit another one.” And 3 times out of a 100, he reads my words to strangers in a far away place.

He also said I was one of his “writers.” Fucking lie number 2. Real writers get paid. But I’m not looking to get any cash out of this Bullshit.

It didn’t make the video, but the Bear and I swear Lewis also said he would try to work my stories in future shows. That’s fucking lie number 3.

But it kinda made me feel better about myself. Honestly, I’m not sure I want into the Lewis Black “writer’s club.”

I am no where near as demented, angry, or borderline psychotic as these other fucking people. They write in about killing “comfort animals”, strangling people for saying “God Bless You” after a sneeze, and run-in’s with airport security because their farts sound like gunshots…

Two weeks ago, Mildred from Tucson turned in a story about a woman having sex with a tree. Last week a lady asked: “is there a safe way to dye my cooch hair?”

Who the fuck can compete? I’m just happy he read a little of my bullshit out loud.

So, yeah, Lewis Black may not be such a big fucking liar after all — he might even be a “friend”… he probably has read most of my Bullshit stories and that’s more than I can say for most of you assholes — I mean “my friends.”

And you know what… the Bear really did hit a home run…