If I was smart, I would have gone to Las Vegas on Sunday.  On Saturday, I hit the fucking Rant is Due lottery — Lewis Black read another of my little stories.

I’ve sent in a couple of hundred entries.  This is the 4th story he has read. It’s the second one about growing up in Akron, Ohio.

That’s about a 2 percent success rate.  If I was a baseball player, I’d be hitting .020.

The audience in Cleveland seemed to get the joke:

Here’s the transcript of what I actually typed.  You can tell it’s all in the delivery — the lines Lewis improvised got the most laughs.

The Script

“Just 12 miles south of here is Bath, Ohio.

13-year old kids in Bath go to Revere Middle School. 40 years ago, it was affectionately known as “Reefer Junior High”.

Reefer Junior High had an incredibly famous student.  But they don’t say shit about him on the school website.  It was Jeffrey Dahmer, the gay cannibal.

You know, the guy who lured young men to his apartment, drugged them, raped them, killed them and ate them.

Jeffrey Dahmer, at Reefer Junior High

How do I know he went to Reefer Junior High?  My mother was his 9^th grade history teacher.  She bragged about teaching all her students to be organized and keep a journal.  Good skills for a serial killer. All the little jars in Dahmer’s refrigerator were really “organized.”

I believe they were alphabetical by last name – just like the books in my parents’  library.

My mother was not the only local with a connection.  Chris Butler, a semi-famous Ohio musician, bought the Dahmer house in Bath and probably still lives there.

We can only hope that house has nothing to do with Butler’s music.  The biggest hit from his band The Waitresses was:  “I Know What Boy’s Like.”

And that, my friends, is all anyone really needs to know about Bath, Ohio.”

Nice that Lewis listed me as his “friend.”  I’ve never met the man, but he has given me a participation trophy —  I publically threaten him once, and he didn’t call the cops.  And he’s one of my 8 readers who have waded through most of this Bullshit.

So yeah, I guess we are friends.