Phoenix Fables

COW Surprise

There are hours (never full days) when I miss being a teacher.  Then the Bear tells me “how her day went” and I remember: ohh that shit sucks.

She told me this story a while ago.  I’m sure I got all the details wrong. The names should have been changed to protect the innocent, but fuck details. This Bullshit doesn’t have to be true.

The Bear’s class has access to a “COW” — Computers On Wheels. It’s a big-ass cart that will store enough laptops for almost every little shit to get a machine.


Not the Bear’s COW, but close enough.

“It hadn’t been cleaned in years,” the Bear said.

Being the dust-hating, Italian little clean freak she is, the Bear immediately set the kids to cleaning out the COW. She hates dirt, but at school she doesn’t have to touch it.

It’s fucking amazing what you can get 7th and 8th graders to do for a handful of hot cheetos.

Yasmine is a quiet and shy girl. Her nickname is “google” — one day she answered three 8th grade trivia questions in a row without looking them up.

“Google comes up to me with a tissue,” the Bear said. “‘Miss, Miss. (they never use her last name even though she has the coolest teacher name ever — SAVAGE) I found this….’

“I open the tissue and inside is a condom.”

surprised cow

It’s like the Trojan horse — only with a COW.  Instead of a dozen soldiers — it was full of semen. Stole this image from Brietbart of all fucking places.

Google and the Bear make eye contact…

“We shall never speak of this again,” The Bear tells Google.

But Google immediately runs off and tells all the other kids what she has found. Because… fucking kids can’t keep their mouth shut.

“Now I gotta keep calling her Google so the kids don’t start calling her ‘rubber girl’ or some shit like that,” the Bear said.

I, who never needs details to let my imagination run wild, had so many questions:

Was the condom in the package?


Was it used?

 “If it was — it was dry now…”  ewwwww.

Was it still rolled up?

“Nope.  Stretched like a salami.”

Regular or Extra Large?

“How the fuck am I supposed to know.” (Good answer honey)

How long had it been there?

“Could have been years.”

Who the fuck is leaving used condoms in a computer cart in a junior high?

“The janitor? I can only hope it wasn’t the computer teacher or two 8th graders…”

Who was the hall monitor when this shit went down?

“Nobody uses kids as ‘hall monitors’ anymore — ya dinosaur.”

Did the kids know what it was?

“I would have never known what that was in junior high, but they all knew.”

Jesus, this generation is screwed.  God damn 12-year-old boys walking around with porn in their pockets, and now COWs full of condoms are roaming the halls.

7 replies »

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.