Intelligence Test

I don’t need no IQ test to tell how stupid people think I am. I just need the Bear to leave for a few days.

On the way out the door, she will always say something “revealing.”

Last week it was: “The sheets are in the dryer…”  Like I would crawl into bed and not realize it did not have sheets.

The time before that she said, “Honey, there’s food in the refrigerator.”

Jesus Christ. I know I do some dumb shit. One morning, I kept putting water in the coffee maker only to watch it immediately spill all over the counter. But I blame her for that coffee problem. I was sleep deprived…

But I really shouldn’t have to work to convince her I know where food goes.

For 32 years, I have just ignored this last-second intelligence test. But last week, she did it in front of the Boy and his smarty-pants girlfriend.

I just had to defend myself. Of course I waited until I heard the Bear’s car pull away before I pointed out the obvious.

“I just want you two to know, that I do know when there are no sheets on the bed. It’s not like I’m going to just go to sleep on a bed with no sheets…”

They laughed that god damn condescending laugh that let me know, they knew I knew about bedsheets… but they also know why the Bear does it.

I’m gonna need a new strategy.  Instead of fighting the power, I’ll go with the flow.

“Before you leave honey… what do I do if I need ice?”


“If I want to have toast… should I use the microwave?”

Maybe that kind of shit will send a message.


Ahh, probably not. She would probably just start leaving little notes all around the house with definitions and the use of each item.

“This is a table. Eat dinner here.”


“Close shower curtain when water is on.”

I can only hope that someday I will do well enough to test out of all these little fucked-up reminders.  But after 32 years of my unforgettable fuck ups, that shit is never going to happen.


Categories: Savages

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12 replies »

  1. I do most of the shopping. The other day i got the last quart of organic milk on the shelf. I brought it home. “What’s wrong with you,” said the wife. “Can’t you read?” I had brought homelactose free milk which made me an idiot. Other interesting things of late. “Did you wash your hands? Did you clean the sink? Don’t put that grocery bag on thre counter! What’s wrong with you!?” This from a woman who needs help finding Google on her computer – sm

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh husbands…:)
    As the “saint of all wives” according to my highly intelligent Hubs, we don’t say these things because we think you’re dumb. ( We chose you, that would make US dumb. And we’re not dumb) , we say these things because it gives us one last chance before we head out the door to show you we love you via these helpful little tips. That’s all.
    At least that’s one wife’s theory. 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I have encountered that same condescending attitude from my wife. And she sometimes needs technical assistance on the simplest things, such as how to turn a doorknob. I suppose we all have our own aptitudes, which we can use to assist our dumbass partners. For instance, without my wife’s aptitude for socializing, I’d be a complete hermit, unknown to any other member of the human race.

    Liked by 1 person

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