I don’t need no IQ test to tell how stupid people think I am. I just need the Bear to leave for a few days.
On the way out the door, she will always say something “revealing.”
Last week it was: “The sheets are in the dryer…” Like I would crawl into bed and not realize it did not have sheets.
The time before that she said, “Honey, there’s food in the refrigerator.”
Jesus Christ. I know I do some dumb shit. One morning, I kept putting water in the coffee maker only to watch it immediately spill all over the counter. But I blame her for that coffee problem. I was sleep deprived…
But I really shouldn’t have to work to convince her I know where food goes.
For 32 years, I have just ignored this last-second intelligence test. But last week, she did it in front of the Boy and his smarty-pants girlfriend.
I just had to defend myself. Of course I waited until I heard the Bear’s car pull away before I pointed out the obvious.
“I just want you two to know, that I do know when there are no sheets on the bed. It’s not like I’m going to just go to sleep on a bed with no sheets…”
They laughed that god damn condescending laugh that let me know, they knew I knew about bedsheets… but they also know why the Bear does it.
I’m gonna need a new strategy. Instead of fighting the power, I’ll go with the flow.
“Before you leave honey… what do I do if I need ice?”
“If I want to have toast… should I use the microwave?”
Maybe that kind of shit will send a message.
Ahh, probably not. She would probably just start leaving little notes all around the house with definitions and the use of each item.
“This is a table. Eat dinner here.”
“Close shower curtain when water is on.”
I can only hope that someday I will do well enough to test out of all these little fucked-up reminders. But after 32 years of my unforgettable fuck ups, that shit is never going to happen.