I got a new iPhone with face recognition. Now my Twitter feed is fucking with me.

If you haven’t had to set up face recognition on the phone, it’s the DMV with disco spins.  Spin your head this way and that. Follow the little line until the camera catches every angle of your pudgy cheeks and double chin.

Kinda nice to hold up the phone, and it opens like it belongs to me — rather than forcing me to prove myself to it. No more:

• enter your password
• give us your thumb print
• papers please (in a German accent).

 Felt good to have my face recognized — for a few minutes.

Then I opened Twitter — nothing but nutritional ads and exercise classes.  Maybe I clicked on something about working out?

I just bought Strava premium.  They begged us to buy it before Strava went out of business.  It was more charity than need. Figured I should support an app I had been using for free for 10 years.

No good deed goes unpunished.

All those companies sell the data to each other.  Strava probably pimped me out to Twitter. It used to bother me, but now I’m getting kinda used to be passed around to get screwed by every hairy member of big tech.

But those fuckers crossed a line.  It’s one thing to feed crappy ads I don’t want.  It’s another to replace Twitter jokes with “motivational posts”.

I follow comedian Dan LaMorte @DanLaMorte — it used to be all laughs and weed.

Suddenly those posts are gone. I just get the long “runs” and the stories of how he used to weigh 350-something and lost 170 pounds in less than 2 years.

Dan LaMorte when his Twitter was all fun and (weed) games.

After the weight loss.  All running and motivational posts for me. Believe me, it’s the same dude.

Sure, he still talks about getting high. But then he just keeps “running” until two more pounds come off. 

After the 3rd or 4th running weight-loss story in a row, I figured this had become his life. Throw another boring skinny fuck on the pile.

So I meant to say, “I missed the weed and comedy posts.” 

Fucking spell check….

He came back a little pissy.

But he was right.  His timeline is full of the same crap I followed him for in the first place. Why wasn’t I seeing it on my timeline?

My fat face.

The iPhone and Twitter decided I don’t need fun or joy in my life anymore.  I just need to be inspired.

Hey fuck you, Twitter.

Sure, some people will say that’s bullshit. Twitter will only show you what you want.  It’s the Twinkies of the internet.  Nothing good for you wrapped around a soft creamy center made from no natural substance on earth.

Their goal is to drag the most money they can out of your eyeballs with clicks on ads for cookies and cakes.

Maybe.  

But maybe it’s about control.  Maybe Twitter has put on the superhero cape and will decide what is good for us.  

Twitter will suck us in with pointless “beef”, celebrity bullshit and free tit pics from strangers.  But they have taken down some Qanon bullshit.  They cut back the Russian trolls.  Maybe that company has grown a conscience.  Maybe Jack will decide to fill our timelines with honest debate, good food, exercise and comedy “role models.”  

Twitter knows best. The Stepford Wives of timelines. What is to stop them?  Facebook?  Fucking other side of the same coin.

Yeah this god-damn Dan LaMorte is a plant. A Twitter plant to bring on the brave new world where legal weed is the “soma” and long runs are the opiate of fat people.

But I’m not falling for it. I’m taking my face off the iPhone.  I’m going back to may fake 4-digit code of security.

AND… I’m hoping Twitter goes back to the juvenile waste of time that made me want it in the first place.