I’ve been married so long, I’m starting to dream that I’m cheating on her… I’m not fucking kidding. Woke up in a hot sweat, half covered with a down blanket and fully wrapped in guilt.

For 32 years she has told me about her dreams of me cheating on her. Impossible dream scenarios that had me playing the unlikely Lothario.

“I had a dream you were cheating on me,” she would say. No details. No names places or dates. But they led to days of distanced tones with side-eye glances and suspicious questions. All false feelings, all the time.

But maybe it’s a signal we are not close. She could still be pissed about that sock I left on the floor or that I didn’t empty the dishwasher for more than 40 minutes after it finished.

Maybe it’s her own guilt for focusing on other things? Maybe I’m looking more pissed at the world than usual. Yeah, read this bullshit for a few minutes — that’s more likely.

I can’t even handle just one woman at a time. She’s got so much energy and ideas. Can’t I just lay here for another hour?

My nightmare is disappointing two females at once. If you had a wife and a girlfriend can you imagine the number of hours you would spend outside public bathrooms holding a purse? The Honey-Do list would come in chapters.

I’m a man. We could be thinking about sex every seven seconds (or not) — but it’s at least 7 times a day. Not all of those thoughts involved the wife. Often they are disembodied parts — an apple round ass, long thighs shaped like chicken wings, ample breast meat.

Maybe it’s food and not sex I’m obsessed with?

Anyway with age and experience, I haven’t heard much about her dreams lately. I can’t remember the last time we had two days of hardly talking because she had a “dream.”

But here we are. Her dreams have crossed the chasm and jumped into my head. I don’t remember any of the “good” parts of a cheating dream. Just that horrible aftermath of shame and lies.

Took me a couple of minutes to fully awaken and realize it was just a nightmare. Nothing more. But I have to say it was the first sex dream I’ve ever had that scarred the crap out of me. Is it possible she has a machine that implants her thoughts in my head? Is there some sort of psychic connection that can reach through pillows?

Shit, I don’t know. But I know this “inception” isn’t good for a relationship. It better stop right here and now… or maybe I can reverse the poles and put my dreams in her head? Naw… let’s just stop this shit right here. Nothing good can come from this kind of shared dream.