In the battle of the Bullshit blog nicknames, I was confident I had picked a winner. Surprise, I fucked that up.
As I was transitioning in early 2021 from Kieran, working-in-Tucson, to Kieran, full-time-Phoenix-with-no-job, I started calling the wife, “Sugar Mama“. She foolishly promised to support me through what I thought was going to be years of unemployment until I became a ward of the state (social security).
Alas, I was “officially” unemployed for only two weeks. I burned through almost 3 months of unused vacation time filling out online job applications and envisioning a future of poverty and dependence.
I spent the next 6 months on this Bullshit website correcting my past mistakes and carefully rebranding the wife “Sugar Mama” in the most polite tones possible (for me). I thought it was helping. I thought I was doing good…
“What’s this Sugar Mama bullshit,” she said, as she was whipping her swipe finger over my online Bullshit. “I’d rather be the Bear.”
Well, fuck me.
Load 16 tons of kiss-assery and what do you get? Another year older and deeper in debt.
But she would rather be seen as an unpredictable giant of the forest.
What can I say, bears are unpredictable.
I know I probably shouldn’t have started with stupid nicknames in the first place.
I thought I was being original — until I learned just about every blogger on earth has a “cute” word for their spouse and/or children. So even the idea to create a nickname was stupid.
Then to learn I leaned into exactly the wrong one. Is there any man alive who thought his wife would rather be called a “bear” than a “sugar mama”?
It’s almost enough to make me quit this bullshit (blog I mean) and return to my island of inner thoughts — where every idea is original, every simile makes people smile, and every body loves me (especially the ones with vaginas).
Eh. fuck that. If I wanted to live inside my head, I’d just do heroine all day.
In the meantime, let’s see if you people can help me out of this little dilemma…
Leave new suggestions in the comments. I’ll try out the “winner.” Let’s see if my 8 readers can fuck this up as bad as I have.
I say, call her “Server Error.” That’s the message I got when I tried to vote. And it fits. When you tried to be served by her and her big wallet, you apparently made an error.
Pickleball Babe!
I’ll use that in hospice.
Makes sense in this context. Not sure how far it extends. I’m
When I started this crap, I checked out a nickname a buddy gave me: CZAR DONIC. There was only one hit, some guy in Russia a a photo of some chick in a two piece. I wrote several times, and finally it just disappeared, bo I decided to use it. 110 years I used it. Sow someone came along and decided to use it as a place for visual crap. You can have it if you want. Beat the shit outta them/
110 years… lasted as long as the Czars after the French Revolution.
I am a stickler – which btw would be a good name for a pickleball racquet – for grammar. I think it’s “fucked if I know” rather than “fuck, if I know”. I know. You’re welcome
Could be… But that’s how we said it in Ohio where I learned how to cuss… “Fuck (pause) if I know.” Maybe we just couldn’t pronounce the “ed” or your lips would freeze to your teeth in the winter.
Gomer Pyle, I’ve been waiting for this blog. It only makes sense to use “The Bear” for anybody who says, “Jesus is not sleeping in this room.” I know, an inside joke only a few tennis players in Tucson even understand, but still one of the funniest and best lines of the last few years. In fact I have a title for your book should you decide to do one for the entire family. It would be, “The Boy, The Bear, and the God Damn Communist Heathen.” You can send my bullshit award for this title in the same package for my most memorable award you gave me in one of your other blogs. If my awards don’t show up, the angry engineer has your address.
I forgot all about your award… I think it’s also fair to say “Jesus is not participating in this bullshit”. I do like the book title, but I would edit it to “… God Damn Jew Commie Heathen” just to be a little more racist and offensive for no good reason.
I have no idea but that bear caption cracked me up. Maybe “Patience”?
There’s great humor in the truth. Patience is a thought… maybe I should just call her by one of her many given names.
K -man,
As Lyle Lovett said in his song “Bears”
“It just dont get no better than a bear”
🙂
-Butterpants