Lewis Black

Dear Lewis

I’m sorry you had to cancel your Oct. 29 show in Maricopa Az for your health. But god damn it why did you have to get sick for “my” show.

I’m not a fan boy of celebrities. I hate most of them — they all feel like the royal family and the Kardashians to me. Possibly talented but improbably lucky to make millions for having a birthright or a “personality.”

But Lewis Black sucked me in with his “Rant is Due” series. He honestly loves reading the anger and hyper emotion over the smallest things from his audience. I enthusiastically joined the ranks of his army of “ranters”. When that wasn’t enough, I built this bullshit blog.

Lewis has publicly called my name and called me a “friend.” I’ve devoted a category of this bullshit to our “relationship” — no matter how unhealthy and abnormal it may be.

Oct. 29 was going to be our chance to renew our distanced rants after a two-year hiatus. In July and August, I had a little case of writer’s block for angry rants. Not enough anger in my life after abandoning the Third World and returning home to the artificial happiness of the suburbs of Phoenix. Fake grass in the front yard and fake smiles for the neighbors.

In September and October, I threw a few fat biker stories and my new favorite “Haircut Tips” into the Rant is Due bin and hoped one would get the golden ticket for another Lewis Black reading.

I couldn’t even think of a Halloween rant. Lewis and other ranters seemed to have that covered.

Sure I could get angry about the Cyber Ninja recall, but everyone has made Arizona a laughing stock since July. And that shit ended in a whimper in September.

But it was all for naught. Lewis’ weak constitution (he claims it’s not Covid) put the kibosh on my kibitz. Fuck.

I spent the night watching TV with the wife and listening to her count my glasses of wine. Three seems like a fine number and leaves a little something in the bottle for later. She looks at me like a hopeless alcoholic. I’m not hopeless — there’s two more bottles in the pantry.

Get well soon, Lewis. Arizona and I need some comic release.

3 replies »

  1. Gomer Pyle, you God damn communist heathen. If you would show up once in a while at the third world club you could have several blogs just from the bullshit Marco does. He is a regular no show from “Yuma cold” and “back problems” just to name a few of the many excuses he has. He still “owes” me a set he has to play from three weeks ago when I played in his place. I’ve threatened him with Tik Tok videos and worse but he still doesn’t have it together. He doesn’t understand that we don’t care about his back or anything else. We only want him to show up to amuse us and to make fun of him for his weak backhand and his Sonoran dog, chip eating, and flaming hot cheetos consumption. The only good thing he has done is to respond to the 19 person thread that is still lingering in our text messages and tell us that we don’t need no stinking Stuckey.

    Things are so bad at the third world now that Ravi doesn’t play and only does lessons. Now, Larry of all people, is taking lessons on Tuesday. Fortunately he is taking them from Nelson and not Ravi, otherwise I would just have the angry engineer bomb the third world club. Larry taking lessons from Ravi would be completely unacceptable and a complete disaster. Speaking of complete disasters, two weeks ago Grif and I were waiting for anyone to show up and the Tin Man and angry engineer had a usta match behind us and couldn’t play. After waiting a while, three crustaceans showed up because they were one short. I played with them on court 8 and Grif did a workout. This is what Tuesday/Thursday tennis has become.

    I don’t want to hear about writers block or any other bullshit excuses. I know Lewis Black doesn’t care about tennis or the third world club, but the rest of us in Tucson expect you to continue to spew your bullshit on a regular basis.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’m saddened by the demise of a once proud tradition. Is it time to jump in the boiling pot and have all of you become crustaceans? I will attempt a visit in Nov/Dec but it may take an act of Jesus to get a decent crowd.


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