When it comes to abortion and the death penalty, both sides scream “HYPOCRITE.”

Since our 21st century thoughts come at us in bumper stickers and tweets like a swarm of gnats, on the surface it seems contrarian to be “Pro Life” for the unborn, but all for the death penalty — and vice versa.

Liberals would kill “babies” but not criminals, and “pro-life” conservatives want to savor every sperm but would be the first to volunteer as the hangman — even if the condemned didn’t do it.

I call bullshit on both your houses.

Nothing is that simple — especially the issues of life and death. Sentimental images tug at the heart strings, but they only highlight the stupidity in our tweets and slogans that substitute for thinking.

These “lives” are not the same. The unborn are still unformed. A zygote could be a person someday, but it isn’t one yet. Picking its rights over the mother’s, limits her choice and imposes the state’s will on her body. Of course it’s not a black and white issue, and there comes a time when that fetus transforms to a human. Exactly when that time comes has been changing — as our healthcare and science does. Even Jesus couldn’t figure it out, and said nothing about abortion.

But there is clearly a period in the pregnancy, when it’s the woman’s right to decide.

In a perfect world, nobody would ever get pregnant without intent. But this fucking world ain’t perfect. Mistakes happen. Condoms break, people lie, or things just change.

In theory, I’m for the death penalty. It should be simple “eye-for-an-eye.”

People who kill, rape and commit other atrocities should be liable for their actions with the same chance they gave their victims. In a perfect world, the death penalty would be a good deterrent (it generally isn’t), it would save all of us the cost of incarcerating the guilty for life (it costs more for the lawyers than prison guards), and it would be given out fairly.

But this fucking world ain’t perfect. Death row inmates are exonerated on the regular. Current estimate are that more than 20,000 innocent people are currently in prison in the United States.

There are some good reasons to believe that many of those innocent folks are being sent away for high-profile cases like murder. Just look at the two men released in the death of Malcolm X. Only one witness against them outweighed their alibis and all the witnesses who said they didn’t do it — including the guy with the gun who said they were not there.

Why? Because people want to feel like murderers can’t get away with it. Police and prosecutors will push boundaries to get convictions — hell that’s the plot for half the Law and Order episodes. And then there’s the racism — it’s just easier to get judges and juries to convict minorities.

All of this leaves me hesitant to support state-sanctioned killing. It’s a great theory, but almost none of it works in practice.

I say almost none… there are a few cases where it makes sense. Timothy McVeigh or Jeffrey Dahmer come to mind. Not a hint of innocence, not a shred of evidence to say they didn’t do it. Crimes so heinous there is no rehabilitation.

McVeigh got his wish — killed by firing squad. Dahmer got life, but was quickly killed by another inmate with a broom stick. Justice of a different sort.

But removing a non-viable fetus and killing a possible criminal are not intertwined. Any examination longer than 280 characters breaks that bond. In complicated cases like this, “Hypocrisy” is the cry of the propagandist. It sounds good in theory, and may be what should happen if the world was perfect.

But this is fucking world ain’t perfect.