Bad Tech

Your Package Sucks

Throwback Thursday:  This story was originally published in 2018, but no one read it then or has seen it since.  Voila what is old is new again.

I can’t read shit without glasses, and for 3 years, I carried the same pair of readers.

Suddenly in the past few weeks, I keep losing my glasses. Fortunately, a new pair is only a Walgreens away. For you douchebag millennials, in 30 years remember there’s a whole “carousel-of-sadness” with readers of every kind in every CVS, Walgreens or grocery store.

Don’t go to the eye doctor. They will just charge you $100 for an exam to get the same pair of glasses you can pick out on your own for $20.  Just pick the pair which helps you read, but not too much — you want to go for the least correction you can or your eyes will go even faster.

Convenient, easy — until I get to the car.

glasses in plastic case

The little  ear piece is tied to a package with the smallest and strongest piece of plastic on earth.  I can’t wear them with the little pouch attached to the side like I’m on Her-Haw. I can feel the little “tie” that’s holding it on. But I can’t see where or how it is attached.

What kind of a sadistic som-a-bitch designed this fucking packaging. You don’t need to package these goddamn old man glasses in anything.

But no… you have to add a “classy” case for “free”.  Nobody is going to use that case — it’s just ready-made garbage. That’s where this “case” will immediately land when I can separate it from the one thing I need to do my job.

Your customers have opposable thumbs. But instead of good-sized handles they could wrap their thumbs around and pull, you have to attach this shit with a micro bead of unbreakable plastic that Hercules himself couldn’t separate by hand.

If I could see it, I might be able to find its weakness. But everybody who buys these glasses need them, because they can’t fucking see!

By some half-assed miracle, when I got home, I found my old pair of readers. Magically, I could see the little tie on the new pair and snip it.

Maybe that was their plan all along. But two pairs to get one open.


Worst package ever

These reader glasses are not even the worst. “Packaging Engineers” (yes that’s an actual job title and career) have lost their fucking minds.

This little nerd programmer I used to work with, bought a couple of computer RAM chips. It was wrapped in 7 layers of plastic that would survive being run over by a tank.

Nerdy boy tried to open it with a hunting knife. You know the stereotype — programmers are not great athletes — it was based on him.

You guessed it. Knife missed the package and went deep into his thigh. He’s lucky he didn’t cut his own dick off.

He called in sick for a week. We were all laughing our asses off, until we saw pictures of the wound. Looked like he had been bayoneted by the Huns at the “Battle of the RAM”.

Don’t cry.  Nerdy boy was fine after a few days. But goddamnit there’s a few packing engineers I’d like to lock in a room with their fucked-up packages of frozen food and a hunting knife…

Starting with the people who packed my readers… Let’s see how many of them can get out with their balls in tact.

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