I can usually have a good night if I can just get my drugs right.

It started years ago with “Vitamin I” for my back pain. I’d pop a few Advil in the morning just to make it to work.

In my 50’s, the back got better (discs “dry out” and stop hitting the nerves). But every other joint decided to have a little shit fit — apparently to restore balance in the fucking universe.

Experts say most pain is caused by inflammation, and you can “deflammate” (yes, I’m just making words up) with diet and exercise. Fuck that.

I’m still eating wings at the 3rd world club 3 days a week. What’s the point of waking up in the morning if you can’t have beer that day?

Last year, I learned you can take Advil and Tylenol at the same time. Advil attacks the liver, and Tylenol attacks the kidneys. The blend makes it possible for me to move and keep my vital organs. Win… Win.

If they make something that hits the gall bladder or the appendix, I’ll run like a douchebag millennial.

Hell, I’m even trying that untested CBD snake oil. It’s only $50 an ounce.

I try not to take too much of all that stuff — I’m sure someday they will find these anti-inflammatories are the new cigarettees, or cholesterol.
They probably fuck you up like goddamn gluten.

Don’t bother to tell me what doctors say about all this shit. I’m going to ignore them on this one. Whatever damage these pills do can’t be worse than skipping tennis and going straight to drinking 2 pitchers of swill (Dos Equis Amber Ale).

My limit is based on bleeding. If I scratch myself and it seeps blood for more than 30 minutes, I’ll stop for a few days.

This week I had an itch. Scratched it. Bled for 3 hours and left a big red blister and scab on my left cheek. (The face cheek not the butt cheek — there was no hiding this shit).

Maybe 16 Advil a day then Tylenol before tennis is a little too much? Yeah, maybe.

But I’m not going to stop.

So if you see a delusional old fat dude with blood all over him from a very small cut, call 911. The life you save, will probably be mine.

Update: April, 2023

I originally wrote this story in 2017. I no longer get to drink beer and eat wings 3 days at week at the 3rd world racquet club. I have been banished from the weekly tennis party in Tucson to the tennis courts of Gilbert, Az with their fine lights, new fences and no fun (alcohol or bars nearby). But my dependence on vitamin I remains the same.