It’s gotten so “hot” in Phoenix even the slanted and biased New York Times has noticed. Phoenix and Tucson have plans to plant millions of trees to deal with the heat. I’ve got my own solution.
That’s right in 2024 we shattered all previous records by having 112 straight days over 100 degrees (Fahrenheit — that’s 37.78 Celsius to all you foreigners with your fancy and logical temperature system). Monday, Sept. 16 — it finally “cooled off” to a comfortable 97 degrees.
I’ve lived in the Phoenix area — the hottest major city in America — for more than 40 years. This summer was hot; but not killing you hot like 2023.
What’s the difference?
In 2023 we set the record for number of days over 110 (31 straight days — a full month of hell on earth). In 2024, it was over a 100 every day, but we didn’t have as many days at 110 or 115.
When I first moved here in 1981, 100 degrees was hot, but with climate change and the heat island of our own making — baking ourselves surrounded by blacktop streets, dark-tiled roofs, and glass towers — 100 ain’t shit.
“I used to think that was hot,” said my dad’s 90-year old girlfriend. “Now it’s not hot until it’s 105 or 110.”
We all just nod our drowsy heads in agreement to the wisdom of age and experience as we head inside to bask under the 45-degree air coming out of the AC vents.
It was so hot in 2023, I vowed to never spend another summer like that again. Did I move? Did I become become a climate change activist? Did I plant 10 trees in my yard? Fuck no.
I put an air conditioning unit in our garage. It’s an ugly window unit hanging off the front of the house. The wife and the neighbors think I’m nuts. I can hear them snickering over the groans of my little window unit trying in vain to cool an uninsulated two-car garage.
“Ohh it’s so cold in here,” the wife said. “I might need a jacket.”
The sarcasm doesn’t come across in print. Normally, that kind of humiliation is enough to keep the wife firmly in control.
But not this fucking time. I put the AC on a timer and run it at dawn and at sunset.
Just enough to cool the garage below 95 degrees, when I’m getting ready to ride my bike.
Just enough to keep the sweat from exploding off the top of my head and leaving puddles on the floor as I pump up my bike tires, load the water bottles and put on the lights — I’m not stupid enough to ride under the sun. I either start before dawn or as the sun is setting.
Just enough cool air to keep my black bike seat from turning into a hotplate and unnaturally heating up my balls.
No Monsoon for me
In 2024, we set these endurance records over 100, because our summer monsoon storms never made it to the Valley. My friends the pendejos in Tucson (to our south) had rain. Mark, the liar and dissembler in Flagstaff, (to the north) had rain. “I’d call it a normal summer,” he said with that little fucking smirk of a spoiled snowbird.
But nothing in the central desert, where I live. It couldn’t help but feel personal. Like your fictitious god had his little finger steering the clouds away — exactly how he makes field goals and extra points blow off course to answer your prayers and fuck up the spread.
Usually in July, August and early September, we get 3 or 4 good storms a month that bring dust, clouds, lightening and sometimes a quick cloudburst that drop temperatures into the 90’s or even the 70’s at night.
But not this year. Nothing but sun, sun, sun and hot daytime highs. I guarantee that is our heat island effect. I don’t need a scientific study.
As I contemplate taking a bike ride in the evening, I’ve watched storm after storm on my phone app build up around us only to stop at the heat wall of our suburban homes. Only the strongest cells can push a few clouds and wind through the bubble. The rest disappear like water evaporating off a sidewalk.
Problem is, no one can predict which storms are coming through. Nothing worse than the wind, dust, and lightening of being caught outside in a monsoon. It keeps me home watching reruns of the Vuelta de Espana on Peacock rather than taking my chances outside in the hottest city in America.
But in 2024, nothing got through. Will this be the new pattern for Phoenix? Will the Valley of the Sun be cursed by climate change and our heat island to never see a monsoon again?
Probably not. Maybe millions of trees will bring back the clouds and the rain? But it’s a safe bet that our 112-day record won’t stand for long.
I’d bet that within 10 years we will easily pass 120 days of 100 in a row and maybe get to 60 straight days of 110 or more.
Then nobody is going to be laughing at the air conditioner in my garage. Isn’t that right honey?
Last year in Texas when it was literally the endless summer and not some sweet romaticized beach boy version. It was over 100 for way over the record. It was unbelievable. Then i heard the news it was not only the hottest year on the planet in history but the hottest in over 100,000 years. Followed by the news it was also likley to be the coolest summer ever again. Add a couple of David Attenborough nature shows in where thousands of acres of rain forest is removed daily and coral reefs are a thing remanded to the past and the future is surely a bleak one. I still run my AC and do very little to help. So in that respect I guess I am not much different than the climate deniers with the exception at least i believe it is happening and wouldnt vote for any fool that isn’t say it is not and maybe has a hope of fixing it all. I guess in 50 years when it all really goes down hill i wont be around anyway. That is somehow strangley comforting and as the world has gone through 5 mass extinctions they top animal is never around after. but nature will continue on as it has for millions of years. Wow i really rambled on here 🙂
LOl sorry folks.
-Butterpants
If you are gonna ramble, you could start your blog. I would say there is some better news on climate change. Fewer emissions, more trees, less sea rise than expected… humans might actually survive it — despite the deniers and those who cling to the past and fossil fuels.