Category: Fat Biker

It ain’t easy to be fat in the wheeled-world of the skinny fucks.

Fat Biker: Horse’s Ass

By Kieran on May 21, 2020 • ( 8 Comments )

Put tires on my road bike that are 3 millimeters wider (25 to 28 mm), so I could ride on a little dirt. What did I get? A berating from two “expert” trail users.

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Fat Biker: Passing M&M’s

By Kieran on April 23, 2020 • ( 4 Comments )

I don’t want to admit how many tens-of-thousands of dollars I have spent on road bikes in the past decade. But in this pandemic, worth every fucking penny.

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Fat Biker: E-Bikes

By Kieran on April 2, 2020 • ( 11 Comments )

I was struggling to get up Las Sendas when these four 70-something, fat ass, snowbirds from Michigan floated past me like they were riding on a cloud.

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Fat Biker: Rim jobs

By Kieran on February 4, 2020 • ( 4 Comments )

Fat Bikers are hell on wheels.

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Fat Biker: Narrow Paths

By Kieran on January 2, 2020 • ( 15 Comments )

For years I wished the town of Gilbert would pave the canal path from Guadalupe to Warner Road. Sometimes it’s better for wishes not to come true.

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Fat Biker: Murderous Drivers

By Kieran on November 19, 2019 • ( 5 Comments )

Just because you are wrapped in two tons of steel and plastic doesn’t mean you get to run over anything that slightly annoys you — especially a fat biker just out for a ride.

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Fat Biker: Counting Coup

By Kieran on October 15, 2019 • ( 4 Comments )

It’s an instinct that probably goes back to our days chasing mammoths over a cliff. Cyclists see another rider ahead and do everything they can to pass that bastard.

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Fat Biker: Bugs

By Kieran on September 5, 2019 • ( 3 Comments )

How can you spot a happy bikers? Count the bugs in their teeth.

I know that’s an old terrible joke… but it sort of applies to bicycles too. I’ve swallowed my share of “free protein” — especially riding at night.

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Fat Biker: Attack of the Asthma

By Kieran on August 22, 2019 • ( 5 Comments )

For more than half a century I took breathing for granted. Sure I would get out of breath on a mountain climb or a sprint, but then… hit 55 years old and dun, dun, dunnnn: exercise-induced asthma.

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Fat Biker: Here’s Sweat in Your Eye

By Kieran on July 18, 2019 • ( 9 Comments )

Ohh God it burns, when these little balls of salty sweat roll or drop right into the corner of your eyes.

It doesn’t happen every ride. Sometimes it happens when it hot, sometimes when it’s not.

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Fat Biker: Mountain Climber – Vegas Style

By Kieran on April 30, 2019 • ( 8 Comments )

I once went cycling up a giant mountain with a drug lord from South America.

Sure, sure Angry Ed denies he is, or has ever been, a drug lord. But if ever there was a witness protection name for a cartel double agent, it’s “Ed Vegas.”

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Fat Biker: Animal Control

By Kieran on April 9, 2019 • ( 11 Comments )

Being a fat biker (pedaling not Harley) with no pigment leaves me little choice. I have to ride at night or risk Satan’s kisses (sunburn all over).

I’m a night person anyway. I put on two motorcycle power headlights, a flashing red tail light and head out once the sun turned off.

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Fat Biker: Wheel Suckers

By Kieran on February 26, 2019 • ( 4 Comments )

Most cyclists are your basic MAMIL’s (middle-aged men in lycra) — you know harmless, masochistic skinny fucks who enjoy burning muscle pain and oxygen deprivation.

But occasionally out of a pack of MAMIL’s, one douchebag will pop up like burnt toast. There’s a few different types of douches, but the worst is the wheel-sucker.

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Fat Biker: Clueless Riders

By Kieran on November 15, 2018 • ( 5 Comments )

My clueless riders, didn’t ask and didn’t know those things. They just assumed that everyone thinks it’s OK to endanger and maybe kill other people who don’t look like or sound like you.