Fat Biker

Fat Biker: Rim jobs

Fat Bikers are hell on wheels.

My first road bike in 2010, I had to send the first two wheelsets back. Within a few months, they had cracks. I blamed the cheap ass Trek wheels.

“I don’t think it will taco on you,” the skinny fuck bicycle mechanic said. “But it might.”

When did “taco” become a verb? But I knew exactly what he meant. That wheel would fold like a taco, and my fat ass would suddenly be splayed across the street like so much  pink slime.

Custom wheels for me.  Skinny fucks have 9 or 12 spokes — 32 spokes for my fat ass.  And heavy hubs and tough rims. Worked for almost 10 years…

Until two weeks ago.


Stole the image from here:  Go there to get the book.

My Gilbert bike wheels were built in 2015 and suddenly they were “out of true.”  The back wheel was so bad it was rubbing the brakes and couldn’t be ridden.

Well, glad I got 32-spokes.  The bike shop will tighten those up, and it will be good as new. Fuck No.

The spokes were pulling through the rims.  They can’t tighten and straighten what they cannot hold.  New rims for me. $200 a wheel.

Who do I bitch to about this…

“The warrenty is usually only a few years,” different skinny fuck at a new bike shop says. Shit.

So I pulled the receipts.  Thought the wheels were built by wheelbuilder.com. So found their customer service link and fired off a note to tell them Velocity A23 rims suck ass.

Turns out the wheels were built at the Tucson bike shop. The parts were only ordered at wheelbuilder.com.

Well the fucking bike shop should have spent 10 minutes on Velocity’s site, like I just did.  They have a whole page devoted to “CLYDESDALE“.  Jesus christ.  I’d rather be a called “a fat biker” than a god damn plow horse…

At least bikers are human and drink decent beer.  Horses are fucking stupid and Clydesdales pull for “Budweiser” for fuck’s sake.

Of course, the Velocity page has no definition for “Clydesdale” — they just use it as the politically correct term for fat ass.

Googled it.  They are not alone. Fat men are Clydesdale, fat women are Athenas.  Sure, men  are dumb beasts of burden, and women are Greek goddesses — seems fair.

Reminds me of the clothing sizes when I was 12 years old.  I spent 2 years as a “junior plenty.”

I’m just going to buy the thick “Clydesdale” rims and shell out for another huge expense to ride a bicycle just enough to keep me under 300 pounds.

Let’s hope these rims last an eternity like they do for my skinny fuck friends… then maybe instead of hell on wheels, I can ride these wheels all the way to hell.

Categories: Fat Biker

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6 replies »

  1. Thanks. But I must confess I stole that line. Danny DeVito said it in the old TV show “Taxi.” I was pretty close to junior plenty at the time, so it stuck with me.


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