I’m not sure if it’s allergies or the fucking flu, but the last two weeks I pulled a Kafka — a metamorphasis from human being to 240-pound snot factory.

It was an innocent start. The temperature finally dropped below 100-degrees. So my nose started to run.

That little run turned into a 2-week mucus marathon.

Nose blowing, coughing, running ears and spitting every 5 minutes with what felt like the little creature in Alien slithering out of my throat and skittering across the floor.

I was surrounded by boxes of Kleenex. Every meeting I was in, I figured out how far it was to the bathroom for an emergency spit.

You know it’s bad when you blow your nose and yellow burning shit bubbles out of both eyes.

“I’m telling you officer, I was temporarily blinded. I blew my nose and that light pole just jumped up out of nowhere.”

Do you know how much snot weighs? I do. I just happened to be on the scale when a coughing fit started.

After I cleaned that crap out of my throat. Two spits, and I lost .2 pounds.

Repeat coughing, 1 spit, .1 pound. Therefore, snot weighs .1 pound per spit.

Sunday, I was feeling better. I took a 3-hour bike ride. Three deep breaths later, I was coughing and spitting and blowing every quarter mile. Phlegm was flying everywhere — on the curb, the street and covering the cars as they zoomed past. Roll your windows up when passing a cyclist. Just sayin’.

Can’t we find some good use for all this snot. It’s about the consistency of oil, and we figured out millions of uses for that shit.

Maybe mucus could replace an engine lubricant, or the base material in plastics. Or how about putting the dry in dry fit shirts?

“Want your car to shine like new – forget the turtle wax and move to new and improved Mucus Mix…”

Seems like a fucking waste to just blow it out all over the pavement and leave a warm moist host for all the bacteria and viruses to find a new victim.

All this runny green shit is just another reason not to believe in any kind of intelligent design. If any omnipotent being actually designed animals and people, why would it design snot as the solution for colds and flu?

Worse yet — how about snot and hay fever for cows. Cows get allergies and have to keep eating the shit that’s making them sick. That’s just fucking stupid, but that’s exactly how this world works.

You would think the urge to take a good long nap should be enough natural defense. But no. The prick we put in charge wants us to cover the planet with our own personal mix of water, body fluids and bacteria. Asshole.

After 14 days I’m just now getting back control of my nasal passages and throat. But everyone around me is starting to cough, sneeze and sniffle.

Maybe I should buy stock in Kleenex… at least I could make some cash out of these mini snot factories I started.