Anti Theism

Christmas Shopping for Jesus

We’ve reach god’s busy season, and he’s gonna be grumpy again this year.

You know jesus is just about impossible to shop for, and after more than 2000 birthday presents, it isn’t getting any fucking easier. It’s enough to fuck up any father’s happy holidays.

Jesus was only 30-something when he pulled off that suicide by cop thing, and he gave up his real job as a carpenter to go into show business.

All that makes him a perpetual douchebag millennial for eternity. He’s got the top knot and the “original” jesus beard that this douchebag generation seems to love.

Like the other douchebags, jesus will come out of the basement acting like it’s just another birthday, but inside he will be all butt hurt if his father doesn’t get “something special.”

I’ll bet that fucking kid doesn’t get anything for his father. When you are the alpha and omega, there is no “birthday.”

I’m sure Mary has a list of all kinds of cool things for Jesus — new clothes, new wings – something for Mary Magdalen. God is going to be screwed in the parent sweepstakes again this year.

I’d suggest some sort of skin epoxy to fill in the holes in his hands and feet. Make the kid look a little more normal and cut down on the heavenly breezes blowing through the extremities.

But fucking kids hate practical gifts. And one of those environmentally conscious angels is going to point out that epoxy could be toxic — or trying to “fix” the hole will be a micro-aggression. Saying something needs “fixed” is just emphasizing that you think the son of god is deformed or crippled or whatever fucking word angles would use for “the lame”.

I was thinking about this shit on cyber Monday when I was looking for something for my kid.

He’s late 20’s and not quite as douchey or needy as jesus (my Boy isn’t demanding that millions of people kill trees, put up lights and come to “his house” at midnight for the most boring birthday party on earth….)

But I don’t have a single good idea for a present. Thinking $50 cash and a growler of local brew from the gas station should do.

Not much, but I bet it’s a hell of a lot better than what god’s getting jesus… so just shut the fuck up Boy, drink your beer and be happy I didn’t get epoxy for the holes in your hands and feet.

Ohh, and Merry fucking Christmas to all you little christians out there.

Categories: Anti Theism

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