The most interesting definitions in English are the dirty ones — especially the twisted ways we use genitalia to describe personality traits.

Part of me feels guilt and shame for constantly calling most of you “pussies” — I mean it in that old testament sense — you know when you can’t finish a beer or a fucking cookie (I haven’t forgotten about you Pussy Joe).

Yep, it’s a sexist and misogynistic stereotype that should be banned from the language. I agree. It’s the complete opposite of reality.

Anyone who has been in the same room during a human birth can attest that vagina’s are fucking superheroes.

My kid had a massive 16-inch water head. The average baby head is 13.5 inches around. Amazingly, vaginas deliver these slimy aliens and in short order snap back to “normal”. At least normal enough to conceive and deliver “Irish Twins” — you know two kids within a year.

Plastic man didn’t have that kind of flexibility on his best day.

And every dude knows he can’t survive a crotch-kicking contest with a girl. Those pussies can take a punch. Dicks and balls shrivel at the thought of violent contact.

(There are a ton of other positive attributes of the female genitalia that I won’t detail here because I’ll lose half my 10 readers to pornhub.com.)

So I ponder until I’m weak and weary what word works in place of “pussy”:

• Feeble, Lame, Weak… (too often used against disabled)
• Fragile, Spineless, Inadequate (shitty nicknames —Inadequate Joe has no pop)
• Delicate, Dim, Defective... (all weak fucking words with no hard consonants or reverberating vowels)

No alternative that I have found can carry the weight and gravitas of the PUSSY.

Beats Dick or Asshole Every Time

But then I think… “Dick” has a similar opposite-to-reality meaning. Actual dicks are usually soft, always vulnerable, generally shy in public… But people who act like dicks are aggressive, attention-grabbing, self-centered (Ok maybe that one fits), assholes.

Speaking of assholes… the actual asshole at the end of your rectum has some of the highest concentrations of nerves in the body. It’s super sensitive. It can tell the difference between compressed air, liquid and solid shit without looking. Bet most of you can’t do that with your fingers — but we never hear anybody calling someone a “fucking pinky”.

When you get scared, your asshole puckers up to protect itself. When you are stressed, it will tighten up like the Gordian Knot — just so you don’t shit yourself in public.

If you are really scared it tries to provide a weapon. It opens wide so you can shit yourself in record time — and toss your feces at your enemies like the monkeys at the Bronx Zoo.

But the pejorative asshole doesn’t give a shit about anybody, has the sensitivity of a rapist, and would laugh in your face if you shit yourself in public.

Yeah, yeah if Dicks and Assholes can be the opposite of reality why can’t Pussies?

Of course it’s a lame rationalization that only a well… pussy would use — but there you are folks — self-revelation is just one of the things that makes “twisted genitalia” interesting.