Bad Tech

Flat Head

After 57 years of surviving on this planet, I just found out, I’m deformed.

Well that’s not entirely true, in the 1980’s the Bear pointed out that I had a problem.  But I just ignored her.  You can’t believe every comment from your spouse — or you will find yourself curled up in a catatonic state in the corner of the state mental hospital.

She patted the top of my head, and said.  “You have a giant flat spot.”

No one else could see it, but it’s been there, under my hair, for more than half a century.

We blamed my parents.  They left me to lie in the crib on my back and made sure I stayed there.  We found proof of that “abuse” when we had our own son.  My mother kept pushing our boy on his back, so he would keep “breathing.”

We ignored her and kept shifting the Boy to the side or on his belly just to make sure that his giant Savage head grew like a nice round cantaloupe.

And that was that, until I was following some fucking Canadian on Twitter, who refused to put his baby in a head helmet.

You can tell he’s Canadian by the ability to sense he was being manipulated.  (In 2016, Americans proved they have lost that ability… Ain’t that right, Vladimir?)

So then of course I had to Google, and found this:

Flat Head Syndrome & Your Baby: Information about Positional Skull Deformities

Did you know 1 in 3 of all babies will show some type of positional skull deformity?

Goddamnit, now I have to admit that the Bear was right and I’m deformed.

There is a cure:


They can put a helmet on your misshapen head, that forces all the little plates to grow in a well-rounded fashion.

Only problem is… it has to be done before the bones are set — by age 9 months.

My helmet window closed while John F. Kennedy was still President.  I am a flat-head for life.

Which makes me say: perfect round-headedness is bullshit. 

Looking at these baby helmets reminds me of the Mayans.


Those fuckers used “helmets” too. Only theirs were boards to slope back the forehead, so everyone looked like  “royalty” or “aliens” or whatever fucking god they may have been worshipping at the time.

Hey, I’m sure some kids have really badly shaped heads and absolutely need a helmet.  But if it’s just a little flat spot or an odd knob, let’s take it easy.  Having a flat spot is not the end of the world.

But maybe I can monetize this bullshit too.  How about a documentary: “Deformed Like Me.”

Yeah, maybe not.  Hard Pass.

A helmet can’t help me, but when I lose my hair, I’ll just wear a hat to cover up my deformed , “Flat Head.”


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