I’m infesting my Gilbert, Az, neighborhood like a tick with Lyme disease.

In the 90’s, the builder put little patches of grass in front of every single home. It was a sign of status in the desert — before anyone gave a shit about water.  600 square feet of bermuda was Gilbert’s white picket fence.  Every little stucco house with a tile roof had to have one.

I have hated grass since the second grade.  I have a special hated for bermuda – itchy, scratchy, ugly shit that once established will not die — fucking zombie grass.

It took me a decade to convince the Bear to kill our zombies.  We compromised.  We put in two little patches of green plastic — one in the front and one in the back and called them our “lawns.”

They look perfect every day.  No watering, no fertilizing, no “aerating”, no weeding, no overseeding, no composting, no piss repair for the dog urine, no trimming, and no more fucking mowing in 110-degree heat.  Heaven.

I waited for a wave of discord from our reactionary neighbors.  This is Christian conservative Republican country.  I expected to be told to “love the grass” or they would “send me back” and send my hippie, planet-saving, plastic with me.

Never happened.

Last month, my neighbor to the east — a spanish speaking landscaper, ripped out his bermuda grass and covered the front in plastic.

“Looks great,” I said.  He smiled.

That’s the most we have ever said to each other.  I’m not big on neighbors. But it’s the closest I have felt to one since the pedophile got put away.

Paving over Problems

But look closer.  That landscaping fucker went one step too far.  He ripped the concrete out of his driveway and replaced it with pavers.  Individually colored and laid concrete pavers — all perfect and shit.

He did the same for the neighbor to the west. Fuck.

Are driveway pavers going to be the new white picket fence?

The wife asked him what it cost.

“It’s pretty cheap,” he said.  “Only about $6000.”  His company (of course) will cut us a deal…

Fuck that noise.  We are driving on concrete.  Pavers are for patios.  She agreed.

I’m counting this as my first win ever.  Who knows, maybe next summer it will be “Night of the Living Dead. ” All through Gilbert, my Republican neighbors will be bashing in the heads of their Bermuda grass and replacing every blade with water-saving plastic.

Tick, tock, tick…  let the infestation begin.