No means no goddamnit. But not at Apple.
Those apple-holes forced another of their un-consensual updates down my throat without my consent. Â I open this piece of shit phone at 5 a.m., and it just stares at me demanding that I put in my “code” and Apple password.
I just wanted to plug it into the Smartass car, so I could listen to any podcast on the boring ass I-10 from Phoenix to Tucson.
But NOOOOO… The fucking phone must update. 15 minutes of swirly little signs and spinning circles. I ain’t got time for this. I gotta get to work.
“Update Failed.”
Of course it failed. Â These updates never work without a solid wireless connection while the phone is plugged into the wall to get a steady supply of power.
Whoever says robots are not going to kill us all one day has never tried to stop a phone update. Â The iPhone 50 will come complete with cyanide. Â If you bitch at the phone, it will release just a touch into your wrist until you accept the new programming.
How do I know? I got to Casa Grande and gave up on the podcast. It wouldn’t play without the phone update — clicked on Spotify. The app dims and then those fucking clock hands start slowly spinning. Spotify is updating…
Did it ask me? No.
Did I want your update? No.
Did I get an update? Â Abso-fucking-lutely. Not a dinner, not a second of foreplay. Â Just wham, bam, you’re updated man.
Then the god damn app didn’t “work.” Â None of my libraries survived. Â Of course you can’t browse the library at 85 mph on the highway. I’m not pulling over just so I can pull up the same 180 songs I always listen to on this road. Â You would think the car would have them memorized by now. Â It’s just a giant expensive computer on wheels — why can’t it remember this shit.
I’m sure Apple and Spotify have my exact list of songs tucked away in their database and sold them to every music vendor in the world.
But thanks to their updates, they have them, and I can’t get them. Fuck…
The Dark Side
My first meeting that day was with our mobile app programming team. That’s right a small part of my job is creating an app.
“We still need to add the ‘force update’ feature,” the architect said. “If we can’t force update there will be a ton of different versions out there on all these platforms — it will be a testing and support nightmare.”
All of these updates feel like an annuity to keep the software engineers coding for life. Apple updates, so they have to update. Google updates chrome, so we have to update the app. Microsoft updates, we must update. Most of these updates don’t do anything new — it’s just an endless cycle of code. An annuity that pays month after month for those who can stand to keep keying in the classes to drive the electrons to flip to a 1 or zero…
My face is turning beat red. I can taste the blood in my mouth from biting my tongue…
“I get it,” Â I said. Â “It’s just damn annoying.”
I’m sure I should feel something. It doesn’t make me feel powerful. It doesn’t make me feel sad. It just makes me feel “absorbed.”
I’m getting sucked into the borg of app developers. Soon, you will too. It could be just one more forced update away.
I hate update rape, and feel so dirty afterward that I have to take a shower. Too bad they can’t create a simple, nonupdateable version of apps, for simple folks, who don’t care if their apps have all the latest innovations.
Yep. Maybe a phone with really big numbers that only makes phone calls.
Hahaha, And we used to curse at Mother Fucking Bell when they added fee “updates” and our bill was over $20! That Bakelite rotary phone may not have played your music, unless you were on hold; however it was stress free and much more rewarding to slam down the receiver.
🦖
And that rotary phone probably still works — not like this piece of shit I’m carrying in my pocket.
They should give you an option. I’m glad I have my reticence to these mobile devices. I developed it when I was on call at a psychiatric institution and actually dreaded the full moon (no shit, it does happen). Once, at 2 AM I was rear ended by a semi on I-70. I had to call the director, explain, she bitched, I bitched back big time, and that was that. Now, I do have a cell phone, but almost nobody knows the number and I subscribe to nothing, and I usually keep it on vibrate and drive with it between my legs. 🙂
Need a little thrill in your life? Text me when you are diving. I’ll give you a call.
Apple -what a anger generating corp!
I got all my music on Itunes cuz im old and want to own my music. Once in awhile it just starts regenerating the same playlists but adding a 1 on the end until i have no room and have to spend a morning or afternoon reformatting. GAH! Anyway i share your update pain 🙂
-Butterpants
I gave up on iTunes almost as soon as it was released (last century?). It wiped out my library 3 updates in a row, and I never looked back.