Fat Biker

Fat Biker Problems – School Zones

The worst part of road biking: flat tires. Fat guys get a shit ton of flat tires.

The last two were annoying little piss ant slow leaks. I could hear a little hiss and feel the softness. Two minutes later, I’m on the side of the road prying a tire off the rim.

Once the tire is off you have to run the inside in both directions with your fingers to find the sharp shit.

Guess what caused the last two flats? Glass from a car accident or a drunk teenager throwing Zima bottles out the window? Nope.

Nails shot out in the street from the illegal and untrained nail gun operator? Nope.

Staples. And not the construction out-of-a-staple-gun staples. Those little pice of shit office staples that plop out of a fucking red stapler.

red stapler - office space

One of the legs of those little shitty staples was open, and you could see where it worked its way through my tire and just barely poked the tube.

Where the fuck did this piece of shit come from and why was it open? Look up. Big yellow sign: “School Zone.”

Those little mother fuckers. I can just picture a mini-fat-bastard having to take home a report card or a project with a crappy grade — pulling it all apart to remove the contact info for the teacher or the list of what the kid has to do to improve.

Then casting the “open” staples into the street – right in the middle of MY bike lane.

I know that’s what happened, because that’s exactly what I did 40 years ago. I’d do anything to procrastinate the punishment for poor performance. Hiding school papers and peeling them apart was my speciality. Leave just enough information so you have something to “show.” But trash all the shit stuff…

It’s good to know that some things don’t change, and the much maligned soft kids of today are trying to put off the inevitable too.

Kids are always going to be lying little manipulative shit heads. But goddamnit there’s nothing worse than standing in those tight-ass biker shorts with my junk hanging out in a school zone.

Can we switch to paperclips? They can be recycled. And they won’t “open” and be cast aside just to puncture this fat biker’s tire, for fuck’s sake.