What the fuck is wrong with Arizona? Too much to list, but what specifically made Lewis Black skip an entire state?

I was forced to leave my fucked up state to fly to Reno to see Señor Black on this “farewell tour. “

Unfortunately, that meant I had to spend a few hours whispering apologies to my wife while drinking tequila and whiskey at Death and Taxes with my so-called friend Gene Siegel.

I used to tell my 9th grade students: “If I don’t make fun of you, that means I don’t like you.” Let’s see how much I like goat-fucking Geno from Reno.

No one knows if Geno actually fucked a goat, but if he did, judging by his big, protruding, outward-facing eyes, odds are it would be an act of incest.

Gene named himself Geno. He’s a classic New York Jew who claims to be both Italian and Black because he once fetched coffee for a “mafia guy” and played high school basketball.

How he ended up in Reno is a long story of addiction, prison and constipation. Not necessarily in that order. The part of that story he won’t shut up about? The constipation.

We would all prefer stories of fights on Cell Block B or tales of robbing pharmacies. Instead it’s screen shots of squatty potties and text messages about every successful trip over the bowl. Or worse; it’s the reverse: texts about success and pictures of future sewage…

Geno couldn’t make the Lewis Black show. He had to be “one of the drummers” in his fake Grateful Dead band. They have two drummers in case one has a stroke. Geno’s “band” is a gaggle of social security recipients reliving the 80’s when fat hippies mixed acid and ice cream.

But he did give us a ride from the airport. That’s when I learned he’s missing one front tooth.

Saint Lynn, toothless Geno and me outside the most sardonic bar in Reno.

So he’s smiling like a meth-head hillbilly, slurring and spitting out bits of his old fashioned as he argues with the bartender about who makes the best green chili in Globe, Arizona. Jesus fucking Christ on a cross.. why am I here?

My wife, Saint Lynn, promises it will be alright.

“What are you going to do with the money when I win a million dollars today” she said.

I’m going to rent a theater in Arizona, and coax Lewis out of retirement so I can enjoy the show without having to look at the lizard eyes and empty-toothed grin of goat-fucking Geno from Reno.

PS

I’m calling this rant a success. Lewis Black didn’t read any rants at his show in Reno, so at least I didn’t fail to be “picked.”

I hit submit at 12:18 pm. Exactly 8 hours and 12 minutes later Lewis told a story about a bouncer keeping him out of a bar because he didn’t have ID to prove he was actually 59 years old.

Update:

Lewis Black posted the whole story to Facebook on Feb. 28, 2024. Watch below.

https://www.facebook.com/reel/874558504680487

For those who skip the video — the punchline was something like: “What are you bothering me for. This is Reno– there’s a guy across the street fucking a goat.”

Like any hearing in the House, with no evidence and possible contradictory witnesses, I’m making up a fact: I planted the seed of beastiality in Lewis’s addled brain.

My wife agrees. That’s two credible sources, so the story must be true.

Spending 25 minutes typing out my rant to get Lewis to say “fucking a goat” in front of 2000 people makes me an “influencer.”

Winner. Winner. Chicken Dinner.