Canada talked Trump into delaying his dumbass tariffs for 30 days by promising to hire a “fentanyl Czar.”

I’m applying for the job.

Now before you say “Yanks need not apply”, hear me out.

For the past two months I’ve become adept at doing nothing. I’d be perfect for the Czar tasked to stop 40 pounds of fentanyl from crossing the northern border when 25,000 pounds come through Mexico.

I’m exactly the man Canada needs to work through this tariff crisis. A more dedicated individual would be tempted to do something. Spend money, start investigations, chase the ghosts and fools trying to move fentanyl from the frozen north into the worst parts of these United States. Sending the innocent and pigmented people to prison in GitMo.

If the people of Cleveland need to do a little fentanyl, let them. There’s little else to look forward to on the North Coast — especially in February.

The last thing Canada needs to do is fund this farce and let the brain worms that have migrated from RFK’s gray matter into Trump’s orange head get their way. I’d feel better if the fentanyl addicts in Cleveland or Detroit were making these tariff decisions. At least there would be a chance they would make sense.

Now I know Canadian incomes are not what Americans make. Their little “loonies” and “toonies” are barely worth the paper they were printed in.

(Yes, I know those are metal coins).

But I’m OK being paid in Canadian at a Canadian wage — which I imagine is about two toonies per hour. Believe me, I’d be worth every loonie spent.

I do have one strong condition that must be met. I refuse to move to Canada during the winter. I’ll be Czaring from Phoenix from November to April. I’ll pop up north when it’s above 100-degrees here and above 50 degrees there. I do however reserve the right to seek asylum should the shit really hit the fan with our new-found fascists in charge.

I’m sure there’s an interview process in Canada and I’ll have to explain to a few hosers some of the things I have written in the past.

Let me just say when I proudly labeled our northern neighbors “Fucking Canadians” in 2017 it was in jest. I know that post didn’t age well with the coming war and us taking Canada on as the 51st state (or maybe 52 or 53 or 54 after Panama and Greenland and Gaza — for fuck’s sake). But if you read the post with the hyperbole intended it’s really just a defense of Mexicans at the expense of Canadians — and what Canadian wouldn’t take a little ribbing in exchange for access to good Mexican food?

I’d also like to clarify my position on Fredericton, New Brunswick. It may feel a little hurtful, but I was really making fun of myself for not being able to adjust to life on a more human scale (or planes skidding off runways at Thanksgiving). Plus, that is the coldest looking river in the world (at least the limited parts of the globe I have seen).

I’m sure we can all agree that in 2022, I was simply making a point about what a fucked up excuse Putin is making for evading Ukraine rather than writing out a roadmap for Trump to invade The Canada.

As Brett Kavanaugh taught us in his confirmation hearings and Pete Hegseth reaffirmed this month, my right as a white man to advance my career should not be held back by the things I may have said or done in the past — even if the past was just last month. Denying my application is reverse discrimination and would be among the worst offenses of DEI.

As a Registered Republican in Arizona, I know hiring me would be a great PR move by Canada to show they really “mean business” on the border. A pigment impaired man from the boiling hot hell on earth is just what Canada needs to catch those 4 drug addicts who keep getting high on their own supply and forgetting what country they may be in at any given time.

I know I lack the criminal past, or connections to Putin’s propaganda, or a long list of sexual misdeeds that would make for the perfect “Trump pick”. But that’s just a way for Canada to show its independence in picking the next Czar. American can’t force all of its criteria on Canada for picking who “rules” in Canada, so I would be the perfect choice.

I look forward to your decision and me not doing anything at all as your new Czar.