Phoenix Fables

Registered Republican

You would never know from reading this Bullshit, but I have a secret… I’m a registered Republican in the state of Arizona.

I registered in the 90’s when you couldn’t tell the difference between the “double-bubba” democratic ticket of Clinton/Gore and the compassionate conservatism of “Dubya” Bush.


Image lifted from this site

Hey fuck you, douchebag millennial. Sure it’s easy to tell now. You can watch “Inconvenient Truth” versus “Hurt Locker.”

But in the 90’s, it was difficult to tell the difference. Clinton was passing the anti-Welfare Bill and the Lock-up-Everyone-Darker-Than-Beyonce Crime Bill. Dubya was talking about avoiding wars, making immigration legal, and spending more on education. Not fucking kidding those were part of George W’s run in 2000.

Plus, I vote in the East Valley of Phoenix. I believe there are 4 registered Democrats in my district — depending on which ones they let out of the mental institution on election day. Because if you register as a Democrat, someone will follow you around and eventually have you committed. I’ve never seen or heard of that, but I believe it. (It’s more believable than thinking that every Sunday your local priest turns flat bread into the body of a 2000-year-old dead carpenter…)

In my district, Democrats never win the general. Arizona is a closed primary, so your only hope is to get in the Republican primary (where they carry these kinds of signs).

Fox News sign

Try not to pick the super crazy candidate. Just go for half-ass crazy. Most of the time you can’t fucking tell which one will turn out to be Sheriff Joe Arpaio or magically morph into something like John McCain or Jeff Fucking Flake.

In the primary, they all sound the same: “Cut the taxes, shrink the government, deport the Mexicans.” I haven’t always picked right. In the last presidential primary, I held my nose tight, and picked the vampire (Ted Cruz).  He was the only one I thought could win Arizona and slow down the Trump train. Trump won Az by a landslide and was unbeatable after our primary. Fuck.

I must admit, being a Republican has it perks. I’ll bet I could get a ride to the polls if I wanted to vote in person. You know Republicans would drive me to the right poll on the correct day in a fucking Hummer Limousine.

If I was a Democrat, the GOP would fill my mailbox with bullshit addresses and the wrong dates for the election. If I did manage to get a ride, the fucking Democrats would be in a broken-down short bus or an overcrowded Prius. We wouldn’t get there until midnight.

But I vote by mail. The Republicans always make sure I get my ballot. If I need another one, they will run it over to my house on demand. I don’t trust them enough to have them mail it for me, but they will do that too.

Hell, if I asked nicely, I might get hookers and blow for an off-year election primary vote. I haven’t seen or heard of that either. But the way they fall all over me, I’d bet you a Stormy Daniels video I could make it happen.

I know because the GOP are always calling me close to the election. It’s usually a “live” call from a woman with a librarian-like voice politely reminding me to vote absentee on time, or where I can drop off my ballot. Every call gives me that inner satisfaction of being in the Republican party, and knowing that in the general election, I will be voting against every single one of those GOP mother fuckers.

Thanks for the reminders, the endless supplies of empty ballots, and the house visits, shit-heads.

But shhhhh… don’t tell the Republicans and fuck this up for me. It’s a secret.

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