Phoenix Fables

Pedestrians in parking lots

Who turns on the stupid switch when people walk through parking lots? They fucking wander like lemmings across the lane where the goddamn cars go.

Look both ways and walk in a straight line like they taught you in kindergarten you dumb mother fuckers.

pedestrians in parking lots

I shouldn’t have to sit in my Lying Nazi Bullshit Diesel for 5 minutes waiting for your fucking fat-ass family to cross in front of Texas Roadhouse Barbecue.

And if the pre-diabetes-family is in the middle of the lot, hold your type-2-diabetic-family back for 5 seconds and let a few cars go.

I can see a goddamn parking space 6 spots away, and there’s 5 cars waiting. But 3 fat-ass families are wading through the parking lot like it’s a a cold day at the beach and no one wants to go all the way in the water. Each one is slowly walking, stopping, giggling and waiting for the next dumbass to wade in. Fuck.

I would understand if grandma was in a wheel-chair or if the kids were wearing helmets to dinner — maybe it takes a little more time for your clan to cross the road.

But when you can walk and talk, and your eyes fucking work – don’t hold up the traffic. Go directly to your car, do not pass Go, do not collect $200. And don’t fucking stop or stagger in a crooked, single-file line while people are waiting.

I swear to the non-existent god, the next fucking group of shitheads that wanders in front of me are going to be American heroes, because this “terrorist” is going to plow through them like Shiites in an ISSIS village.

OK, OK, that’s a little too far and might be a little frightening (even to me.)

But don’t be surprised, if I start blowing the horn, flipping you off and screaming “Get out of the road you dumb mother fuckers” to you and your youngins.

OK, OK, I won’t even do that. But I’ll be thinking it — goddamn it, I’ll be thinking it.

Keep that in mind when the stupid switch goes off in your head, and you start wondering around the parking lot like it’s your fucking driveway.


5 replies »

  1. Yesterday I had a woman in front of me pushing a grocery cart all the way to her car in the middle of the road. She looked behind her and knew there was a line of cars stuck behind her and yet steadfastly refused to move to the side. I swear she had the look of someone spoiling for a fight.

    My theory is that there are so many ‘passively angry’ people in this world who feel they have so little control in their lives, that they embrace these bullshit acts of rebellion as their way of grasping a little bit of control over others.

    I vacillate between feeling empathetic towards them and wanting to give them a good smack across the side of their heads.

    Liked by 1 person

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