Not too long ago, I told the story of how I learned that the side of earth Amazon box is covered with a penis.

Apparently, I was the last to know.

Comments on the rant, and people came up to me to say in so many words, “I always thought it was a penis.”

What? Millions of Americans have always believed there are boxes, and boxes covered in penises riding in thousands of Amazon trucks, and UPS planes, and going through every post office in every part of the country every day of the year, and nobody says nothing.

Fuuuuuck.

Worse. What were people thinking when they saw this…

Now that I see the penis, I can’t possibly look at the penis “opening” and singing me a love song.

I don’t think of myself as being some kind of prude. I’m not really bothered by the idea of a billionaire and his company pumping us for cash by covering his product in penises.

I just don’t like the subtlety.

If you are going to go for the marketing power of the penis, go full bore. Cover your boxes with pictures of actual penises. In every shape, size, color and “angle.”

It’s the new diversity. You know diversity is our strength.

Come on Jeff B, get the DEI vice president on it. I know I’d feel better. I would not buy another thing from Amazon. You can keep your dicks away from my door. But I’m all for the honesty.

If you are going to sell me on sex, make it so we can all see what’s coming.