A couple of friends of mine recently split up, and it made me think our species is really fucked-up.
The first thing out of most people’s mouths (including mine sometimes) are these asinine questions:
- “Ohh was one of them cheating?”
- “I thought they were doing great, what (they mean who) was the problem?”
- “I told you he/she was an asshole/bitch…”
That reaction is ass backward. The problem isn’t that couples split up — it’s just a fucking miracle that anybody stays together.
Sure you could try to find the one to blame for cheating or stealing or lying, but the relationship is usually dead before any of that happens.
Divorce is like Cancer
People do the same thing with cancer.
You find out someone you know has cancer and the first questions are:
- “How old was he?”
- “Did he smoke?”
- “Wow, did he eat a lot of bacon?”
Like old, bacon-eating smokers are the only ones who get cancer. That shit just happens. It may be great for researchers to find the causes, but you don’t own a lab coat.
Pulling causes out of your ass like a political opinion isn’t going to save anyone’s life. Somehow blaming the victim might make us feel a little safer, but it’s just fucking delusional.
Same for marriage. Blaming break-ups on some failure of one spouse or another doesn’t do the former couple any good. And it doesn’t make your relationship any more secure.
The wife and I have been together for more than 30 years and fuck if I know what keeps it going.
I’m just happy she hasn’t killed me — yet. She has made it very clear that it will be death before divorce — my death that is. She says I probably won’t see it coming. I’ll be napping on the couch, and never get to wake up. (I love taking naps).
That was kind of unnerving for the first 10-15 years. I sorta napped with one-eye open for the entire length of the 90’s.
But after a couple of decades, you get used to the idea. There’s nothing like an ever-present death threat to focus the mind and make you wonder if your spouse is “happy.” (That’s just one of the things that makes my little wife a little unpredictable.)
Getting two people to agree on anything, let alone almost everything, is mission fucking impossible. I don’t think humans are designed for monogamy. It may work for a lucky few for some period of time, but don’t expect it to last forever.
If we all got our heads out of our asses and looked at breakups as a normal part of life, maybe there would be a little less blame, a little less shame, and we could stop with all the stupid fucking questions.
Update
I originally wrote this in 2017 — still seems true to me. Although the wife and I are now going past 36 years together… and it’s still a miracle she hasn’t killed me yet.
Took awhile to find the comments page. I always said “If a particular study tells you that something you like will kill you or is dangerous, relax. I a few months or years, another study will come out stating it’s good for you.
True. Or just go with the old study that said the opposite.
This is the second time I’m going to state in a comment that I really like The Bear. I too have made it clear that my husband will never see it coming. He’s already warned the kids that if anything ever happens to him, to suspect me first. They just laugh. They know I’m a saint and it will be justifiable 😉
Not all breakups are bad things. Nor is it usually a surprise to those who know them. Everyone else is just looking for gossip.
My friends are all under orders that in the event of my disappearance they take the bear out for tequila. That way we might find the body.
HAHAHAHA!!!
I agree. It’s hard to fathom that anyone stays together. I’m coming up on 23, and the only reason I remember is because of the year we got married, 2000, which was really helpful. It’s a miracle she still puts up with me. And I like Louis CK’s thought on marriage. “No good marriage ever ended in divorce.” Makes sense to me.
We’re approaching 33 years together. Doesn’t seem possible. On the other hand, better the devil – or savage – you know than the one you don’t..
K-man,
You do have the wisdom of the ages. I always love it when single people jump on the bandwagon with somebodies divorce. Reminds me of when soldiers would return from the front in WW1 and people would give them a hard time for “not being brave enough”. Fuckin easy to say when you are back home on the farm and not in front of a dozen Maxim guns with shells landing everywhere. I do my best life mostly alone and happy that way. As you say -married life isnt for everyone. keep posting that bullshit my man!
-Butterpants
It’s not wisdom of the ages… bullshit is eternal.