Bad Tech

Fuck You Cell Phone – Updated

Throwback Thursday:  I originally published this in 2017.  Ignore the dates and the numbers on the iPhone, and it feels like I could have written it yesterday.

After several years of a happy relationship with my iPhone, one day it was just over. I can hardly stand to look it in the eye.

It started with the constant nagging.

I get in the Lying Nazi Bullshit Diesel, it synchs with the iPhone and right after I start the engine: “You will be home in 10 minutes.”

Fuck you iPhone. You don’t know me. I might be going to happy hour or Home Depot.


I never asked the phone to start predicting where I drive. If I want your advice, I’ll open maps and put in an address.

And the constant need for attention. Every time I touch it, the phone says: “I need an update.”

I’ll update you when I want to update you. Don’t force me into unwanted updates. Ignore the update, and it pops up a login screen and asks for my PIN.

But it’s a fake screen, I’m already logged in. It’s just lying to get me to scratch it’s bullshit itch to update. Was this goddamn thing programmed in Russia. Fuck you, you commie bastard.

Sure I fell for the fake Russian PIN the first few times. Like an unwanted pregnancy, I found the loophole. There’s a little link at the bottom that said “ignore” or “later” or some bullshit. It should say “abort” because I’m killing this  phone’s fetal software.

I’d be more sympathetic to an update, if the updates did anything. But all they do is move the buttons around, so I can’t make it do all the shit I like to do.

I highly suspect these updates are just an annuity for programmers. They put out more new code that won’t work with the old shit. Everybody has to update, and those little fuckers keep charging for new code forever.

My iPhone used to run for days like a little happy puppy. But now this old bitch gets tired after 4 hours. At lunch it will say “85 percent power”. It’s dead by dinner.

I had a short flight home last week. It had 50 percent power when I boarded. I turned it off and read a book.

I land and turn the phone on… power in the red. Shit. The douchebag millennial my wife gave birth to (from my DNA?) is supposed to pick me up. I text. Nothing. With the last 1 percent of battery, I call.

“I was waiting for the call, I’ll come to the airport now.” the Boy says. Fuck.

When you do an airport pickup, go to the airport. Don’t be a douchebag sitting at home waiting for a text. If the battery died, what was I going to do? I don’t know the Boy’s number, the phone does.

“You could get the power cord out of your suitcase and plug it in at the airport,” the wife said later. (I know what you are are thinking… why has a smart woman like that stayed with me for 30 years. Shut up. Don’t screw this up for me.)

With the dead battery every night, I have to plug the phone in. And those little Apple power cords are 14 inches long.

What is the point of a wireless phone, if I have put my head a foot from the floor to make a call after 5 p.m.

I’d throw this fucking phone in the trash, but it has all my friends info. I need to see all the bullshit the pendejos send each other in What’s App, and I can’t eat lunch without checking Facebook.

Get a new phone? This is iPhone 6, Adding another number hasn’t made them any better. And don’t “Droid” me. They suck too.

My solution? I’m going to stick with this shitty relationship until one of us is dead. And when it pisses me off, I’m just going to hold out the phone in one hand, flip it off with the other and primal scream: “Fuck You Cell Phone.”

Update: Jan. 17, 2018

Apple admitted they have been slowing down phones and killing batteries — for the “good” of the customer. Details:

To make it up to us, the new battery — that may or may not fix the problem is only $29.

Why don’t you pay us the $29 for continuing to use your piece of shit phone.

Holding my phone out now — get ready for the scream…

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